Now attention dogs! My name is Bouncing Bertie Boffin. Welcome to this special lecture series for budding canine scientists. How pleasing to see so many fresh and eager faces. I am new to this lecturing business so I hope you will be patient with me!
Today's topic is the second law of thermodynamics, which states that the universe always tends to an increasingly disordered state.
But before we begin in earnest, there are a few things I need to say.
Molly, Taffy and Monty - can you hear me OK at the back there?
Stella - here is a pencil and some paper, so you now have absolutely no excuse not to take notes.
George! Go tip that pint of Ironbridge Pale Ale down the sink, RIGHT NOW!
'Professor' Agatha - that doctor's note from your brother Archie saying he has a headache is CLEARLY FORGED. Please make sure he attends next time or I shall be instigating special disciplinary measures..
Lola - listen carefully and I am sure you will understand, after all you are an intelligent dog, not a beagle or something.
Mango - so nice to see you sitting there all enthusiastic. You are pleased to be away from that purple room, no doubt!
Petey - please note there will be NO COPYING HOMEWORK. All texts submitted will be run through my specially DWB adapted anti-plagiarism software...And anyway, I doubt that Mango's efforts will be of much use to you. I fear that you are making the mistake of conflating head size with academic prowess...
Tubby Toby - so good too see one so young and so keen to learn. Now you will remember to raise your paw if you need the bathroom, won't you?
Jake and Fergi - oh how nice it is to have such intelligent students in my class, I can see you two are going to be a pleasure to teach. Yes I totally agree with your suggestion that I am a canis lupus familiaris veryspecialis. Ten out of ten already.
Eric - I am assigning you the special role of helping Jake and Just Harry from Florida with problems they might be having with UK English word usage. Aunties Martha and Bailey can also assist with any specifically Scottish vocabulary.
Dozer and Coop - just a quick word. I fear you may have missed the point of coming to class. It is not all about scoring treats, it is about improving the mind. At least Jazzi seems to have grasped that particular point (you weren't expecting tacos were you my dear?)
Oh, what a shame that Wilf does not seem to have made it. Those French air traffic controllers can be so difficult...
Well done Riley, by the way, for arriving on time, all the way from the Antipodes!
Oh hello Tessa, and all you Scotties from Rocky Creek, do come in, yes, there is still room at the back. And sweet little Katie, living proof that science students can be pretty too, why don't you sit right here on the front row. Perhaps you would like some private tuition later.....
Now. What were we going to talk about? Ah yes. Disordered states.
George! I said DOWN THE SINK! not OVER MOLLY'S HEAD!
Eric! How is Stella ever going to take notes if her paper is shredded? And her pencils all chewed up?
Jazzi - I can see what you are up to. Please bring that mobile phone to me RIGHT NOW. Texting an order to TACO BELL indeed!
Oh dear, we seem to have a little puddle on the floor. And Mango it is very mean of you to blame little Toby, don't imagine I can't tell the difference between slobber and pee...
Oh thank you so much Jake and Fergi for fetching the towel and mopping it all up.
Now where were we?
Ah yes, the concept that the overall level of disorder, also known as entropy, is ever increasing. For example....
Oh dear. Another mess on the floor. George, just how many pints did you drink before you came to class today?
Thank you again, Special Wires. Look I have some biscuits here just for you two. Oh and one for Katie of course...
Eric, Jake and JH - STOP THAT SNIGGERING. Yes I know that the English language contains a wide variety of colourful expressions to describe George's disgraceful condition, but that is not relevant to today's topic.
Dozer! Coop! Jazzi! No! NO!! Those treats are meant for Jake and Fergi. It is very bad of you to steal them. Lola! Monty! Sit. Sit! SITTT! Oh little Toby, please don't be crying...
No, Aunties, I am not losing control. Not at all. Everything is quite in order. This class is not about to degenerate into one big 'stushie' or 'stramash' so there is no need to explain those words either.
DOGS! PLEASE! PLEASE!
Oh dear, it seems we have run out of time for today.
6 hours ago