Dexterity and balance - the 'WOBBLIE'

Fellow pups! Do you ever feel that your human might benefit from improved dexterity, flexibility and balance?

Perhaps they are 'not as young as they used to be'. Or maybe they have been spending your treat money on expensive Pilates or yoga classes.

Now that the warmer weather is with us, let me recommend my special training programme, the 'WOBBLIE'  (Working Out with Bouncing Bertie while Licking Ice-cream Exercise).

Your human will love the unique combination of keep-fit and indulgence. This is how it works.

It is a beautiful day and time for your afternoon walk. You quickly deduce, from the direction of travel and the clement weather conditions, that your human is heading for the ice-cream shop, about a mile away. Normally you would perform your afternoon 'business' pretty soon once you are the obligatory hundred yards away from your home, but today you sense an opportunity to give your human an extra work-out. So  you thoughtfully hold it all in until you have reached the ice-cream place and she has been inside and purchased a cone generously filled with her favourite flavour (coffee or vanilla, since you asked).

You can picture the scene. The sun is shining, your human is walking along, your lead in one hand, ice-cream cone in the other, happily licking away.

Now is the time to 'evacuate'. What better test of dexterity and balance than to have her place your lead in the ice-cream hand, reach for the poop bag with the other, bend over and pick up the poop, holding the ice-cream as far away as possible?  In Level 2 of the exercise you might want to jerk the lead a little at this point. Level 3 requires her to be wearing a white top.

Of course she will somehow need to tie the filled poop bag, one-handed, too.

One must recognise that it might take some practice before your human can complete the exercise without either falling over, letting go your lead or losing a single morsel of the precious ice-cream.

But I am sure your human will be grateful for your contribution to her well being and will reward you with at least the pointy tip of the ice-cream cone.

Level 4 involves, of course, your human simultaneously taking a selfie while conducting the pick up operation. Gail has not yet reached this stage. (In fact when she heard about it she asked, in a rather exasperated tone, did I expect her to grow a third arm or what?)

So anyway, here is a nice photo of cherry blossom, taken later on the walk. Look at that blue sky!

P.S. Do let me know how your human gets on with the WOBBLIE.

Seasonal fun and games!

This is just the best time of year to play 'Hide the Poop'.

Here's how.

You have to be in a public place where your human must 'pick up' after you.

The game can be played any time of day of course, but it's most fun after dark.

The rules are ever so simple. You just find a nice big, deep pile of leaves, and do your business.

Then you stand and watch (and try not to laugh) as your human frantically rummages around with bag in hand, attempting to locate your deposit.

If your human is just a beginner, you could be kind and 'go' near a lamppost the first time.

Maybe my friends have other favourite 'hide the poop' spots?

A useful breathing exercise for humans

Fellow pups, is your human in need of a boost?

I think I can help.

You know all about how controlling your breathing is supposed to calm you down, or energise you, or make you altogether more brilliant, or whatever.

May I propose a useful four step breathing exercise for your human? One that will fit in nicely with your daily walks and make them a more pleasant experience for both of you.

It is important that the dog and human actions are synchronised as described below:

Step 1
Dog walks down the street and then stops, preferably downwind of human, and arches his back.
Human breathes in deeply while rustling around in pocket for a wee plastic bag (preferably recyclable).

Step 2
Dog performs his 'business' and poops out one or two neat little brown packages onto the pavement or grass.
Human holds breath.

Step 3
Dog walks on just a couple of steps.
Human exhales slowly and in controlled fashion while placing poop in the wee bag, expelling surplus air from the bag and tying a neat knot to seal.

Step 4
Dog and human walk briskly to the nearest dog waste bin.
Human breathes steadily and places sealed bag in bin.

I have to tell you I had a bit of difficulty persuading Gail that this post needed illustrating. You all found the pictures helpful, didn't you? And really, a reasonably self-confident person like Gail shouldn't be worrying what the neighbours will think about what she does with her camera, should she?

Email from Cousin Cocoa Standard Poodle

No soon as I'd clicked 'publish' on my last post, than I received this email, care of Gail:

Dear Cousin Bertie, 

Re: your recent visit

I hate to rain on your parade and all that, but I am wondering why no-one asked me to contribute to the 360º appraisal you published so brazenly on your blog on Wednesday. 

Most assuredly, I would NOT have awarded you full marks based on your behaviour when you came to stay with me and my brother Percy for a couple of nights a short while ago. 

I expect you were thinking that, because I am a relative newcomer to the set up, I would not venture to voice an opinion. How wrong you were.

Let me say I for one am quite happy you are now over three hundred miles away and not, I hope, planning a return visit any time soon. 

Imagine, readers, there's me, recently rescued from an endless round of pregnancies in a Norfolk puppy farm, just settling into my new Peak District home, getting a feel for the place, learning how to deal with my huge sibling Percy Poodle and generally working hard to adjust to a different routine, when along comes this wee whippersnapper of a wire haired fox terrier, bouncing around and growling at me all the time in an incomprehensible Scottish accent.

Oh yes and then there was the small matter of the night-time pooping on the kitchen floor, wasn't there Bertie?

Ten out of ten? I think not.

I am going to recommend that Gail holds the marshmallows and duck jerky a while longer. 

Yours faithfully, 
Cocoa. 

Really. Who knew my new cousin was such a little tell tale?

PS from Gail: Human resources professionals worldwide, take note. These last two posts of Bertie's provide an excellent example of how even the most supposedly objective methods of performance review are subject to bias and manipulation...