Thursday, 3 November 2011

A dog's guide to Europe's financial crisis

I guess I'm not the only dog that has no choice but to listen to the news every morning while their human is eating breakfast. For example, Gail, being a stereotypical Guardian-reader type, munches away at her muesli to the soundtrack of the Today Programme on BBC Radio 4.

I expect too that you, like me, have been struggling to understand the baffling jargon you hear whenever someone (especially that Peston chappie*) comes on to 'explain' the latest financial crisis.

Help is at hand! I have been hard at work reinterpreting the terminology from a canine perspective. I can even offer some creative dog-centric solutions to Europe's woes:

First, let us deal with those much talked of 'haircuts'. Apparently banks object to having 'haircuts' every bit as much as certain dogs I could mention. I asked Gail why the banks were not then hand-stripped like me? Of course, if we consider one's coat as a major asset, then I think it becomes clear too what these finance bods mean when they talk about asset stripping....

So, moving on to the 'credit crunch'. Surely some sort of rather splendid kibble, or indeed a particularly healthy type of human breakfast cereal? Apparently not. A 'credit crunch' means that you can't borrow money to buy any kind of food or anything else, so is in fact a BAD THING.

The other day they were saying that 'China' might help solve the debt crisis in 'Greece'. Let me tell you in this kitchen it's considered a crisis when the China is all covered in Greece. Of course if dogs were allowed to lick the best dinner plates clean the problem would be solved in an instant, but strangely, Frau Merkel and Monsieur Sarkozy haven't yet thought of this blindingly obvious solution.

As for 'interest rates' and 'bonds'. Well us dogs are experts on this topic, as it is strongly in our interest to achieve a close bond with our humans. But I must say, for what it's worth, I can't help but think that Italy's problems might stem from Signor Berlusconi's high interest levels in a non-financial gender specific type of bond...

Finally, any dog could tell you that a system which allows 'bears' and 'bulls' to rampage around the market is bound to end up in trouble. The notion that things are going well when a bull is in the vicinity is clear evidence of the sort of warped mentality that triggered all the problems in the first place. May I respectfully suggest that, if we started referring to 'wire-haired fox terrier markets', the whole financial system would bounce back into the best of shape in no time at all!

All clear now?

*Robert Peston - BBC News Business Editor, famed for both his regular news scoops and his strangulated diction.


  1. Hey Bertie Bud,
    You had me in stitches of laughter.
    I can just imagine your attire: top-hat, not tails (orrrrr...oh yes, tails added), walking stick/brolley; all sewn together in executive thread. BOL!
    Indeed, I think you should go further...."Bertie for President!"
    Lotsalicks to my bud. I'll be your campaign manager...Say?

  2. Oooh this is all very radical... I even see that Maxmom wants to turn us into a republic. Worth a thought over a pig's ear I guess... Tell me Bertie, as Gail is a stereotypical Guardian reader, does she also knit her own museli?!! ;-) Deccy x

  3. Sounds like you've got a handle on the situation, Bertie! Now, if they would just let you run for office! And, um, WHY can't you lick the good china clean? Sounds like a very fiscally responsible solution to Greece on China!

    The Road Dogs

  4. Bertie....Me tinks you really need to come across da pond and teach dese numbskulls a few tings too.

    Just sayin'

  5. Bertie,

    We're thinkng that you might ask one of our mutual friends who often gives talks to men in dark suits whether you could accompany him and set things straight!!!!!

    Our Mom just listened to an NPR (National Public Radio( program all about GREECE on CHINA and she gets your approach totalaly.


    Wirey love,

    Jake and Just Harry

  6. Bertie, I understand everything, except for one point of confusion. The economy definitely needs a good bounce but we as individuals are not allowed to bounce our checks (cheques). How fair is that?

  7. YOu got it Bertie!! Berti fur President!! maybe you can come and teach the ya-whos that we have here a thing or two!!


  8. Here, Here!!! Well said, Bertie.

    XXXOOO Daisy, Kendra & Bella

  9. Well thanks for explaining all that Bertie, saves us having to watch the news tonight.

    Molly, Taffy, Monty and Winnie

  10. Bertie, your version is much more entertaining. Wish politics could always be so funny. No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

  11. Bertie you are wise beyond your years!

    Thank you for explaining Greecey things to me. Now that I understand better what is really going on I'd be very interested to hear you explain the term "dead cat bounce" (and if you think this is likely to occur again) as I'm very interested in the welfare of cats so have been closely listening to the news in case they mention it.


  12. Bertie..thank you for pawfully explaining the situation to us. We understand now!

    Big Nose Pokes
    The Thuglets.

    The Peston chappie drives everyone nuts in this house!

  13. hey Bertie,

    Very well woofed! I could not have barked it better myself! I, too, have been putting much thought into the financial crisis over here (across the pond from you), and I think you explained it splendidly! If only dogs ruled the world would be such a happy, bouncy, fun place!

    Keep up the great work!


  14. Dawling Bewtie
    I was a bit wowwied about going fwom one twoublesome place to anothew..Oowope's economy had me quite wowwied, but now that I know that you have all the answews(and such clevew and simple ones too), I feel so much calmew about ouw upcoming move. I aways knew i could wely on you fow things skien tific, but youw knowledge of financial affaiws is dazzling. Why those numskulls at the meeting in that nice wesowt in Fwance have not called on you is beyond me.
    They must have been sunbathing instead of thinking cleawly .

    I'm all fow those wiwe-haiwed fox tewwiew how to get thehoomans to have youw sense
    smoochie kisses

  15. Oh Bertie you are pawsome!

    I do believe that you should run for Prime Minister. Better yet can you run for King?

    woos, Tessa

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    * Rio Prasetyo *

  17. Yes, it is all clear to me now. I must say that the china greece confused me as well, but I think I get it. Thanks for your eloquent explanation as always.


  18. I am sooooo glad you explained it all for me Bertie.

    I didn't have a clue - but now I feel very well-informed.

    Thank you for entering the book giveaway. Good luck!

    Love and licks, Winnie

  19. So we should leave our bones buried in the backyard for now? We keep a few in the house, but we can't keep them under our doggie mattresses - too lumpy.

    Jed & Abby

  20. A Fox Terrier version of E CO NOM NOM IKS?????? Hmm....We Lakies only think of nosecara, boyz, fur dye, boyz, lippie stick, boyz...

    Honestly, Bertie...I knew you were a GEE OLLY GIST and knew all about rocks, but this extensive knowledge of bulls and bears and $$$ on your part is astounding...

    Mumsie is wiping her eyes...must be allergies....


    Lacie and her under educated brothers....

  21. Listen after reading this we have a little idea.. I will call you on my cell( the little pink one) Have you ever thought of running for anything political? We know JUST the pups to be your handlers... We can see it now..... President Bertie.... Love A+A

  22. May we please quote this on our Facebook page? Absolutely brilliant!!!!