Things people say in the park

A man whose tough-looking bulldog I am barking at: "I think it's called Small Man Syndrome"

Just about anyone who hasn't experienced me barking at and trying to jump all over their precious pet: "Awwhhhh - isn't he cute"(if English) / "He's an affa bonnie wee doggie"(if Scots).

Soft-headed people often also say: "Such a shame they have to grow up."

A lady who is clearly too myopic to notice my fine long legs: "What is he? A rough-coated Jack Russell?"

A local ned* - pale, spotty, skinny, baseball cap, lurid tracksuit, speech incoherent - presumably on his way to pick up his methadone prescription at the chemist: "Bearrr-tie? Yer didnae name him efta tha' sh*t Sco'land Manager noo did Yer?" (We think he was referring to the former and disastrously unsuccessful Scotland football coach, Berti Vogts).

Lots of people aged fifty and over: "A wire-haired fox terrier? You dinnae see sae many of them aboot the day" and "far's he fae?" (Aberdonian for "where did you get him from?")

The owner of a large German Shepherd who - the dog that is - is uneasily backing away from my persistent friendly overtures: "He's nae feart is he?"

Now my conversation with this handsome Rottweiler/Akita cross is strictly private.

But, Uncle Eric, the one question that so far no-one has asked is "where are his wheels?"

*For those not familiar with modern Scots vernacular, NED = Non Educated Delinquent