Bertie displays his competitive streak...

(The scene: a Saturday morning walk on Morven, our favourite Aberdeenshire hill)

So come on Gail, don't waste time looking at that boring old flower, we have a hill to climb!

Bertie, it is a cloudberry flower, and not boring at all. My book says the cloudberry plant is 'shy flowerer' in Britain. Anyway, what's the hurry?

Well Gail, we don't want that group of four men and one Labrador, who left their car just after we did, to overtake us, do we now? 

Bertie, frankly I couldn't care less. This is not a competition. Don't be so 'male' about it all. Just savour the moment, being out in our wonderful landscape on a fine midsummer day. To quote Nan Shepherd "... the mountain gives itself most completely when I have no destination, when I reach nowhere in particular, but have gone out merely to be with the mountain as one visits a friend with no intention but to be with him". And anyway, I think the Lab party took a different, less direct route up.

Er, yes Gail, of course, of course. Look, there's the summit, let's race!

Oh god, I'm having a flashback to childhood outings with my brother....

And now we're at the top, and the other group is nowhere in sight. Hooray! We won!

(Gail sighs).

(15-20 minutes later)

OK Bertie, that's enough of a break, time to move on, it's getting chilly.

No, no, no, look here are the others, finally! Maybe you can find out the name and age of the Lab? I bet he's younger than me.

(Gail talks to the humans while the dogs size each other up).

Well Bertie, you are right, 'Angus' is only two years old. Although I surmise that the accompanying humans are considerably older. But guess what? Angus's owner is most impressed at how quickly we ascended the steeper of the two routes up the hill. Happy now?

Totally happy, Gail, totally.

The Blogville Darwin-lite Award Competition

Bouncing Bertie Boffin here. Blogville's Chief Scientific Advisor. It's been too long.

Now I expect many of you have heard of 'The Darwin Awards', which each year honour the human being who has brought about the greatest improvement to the gene pool by eliminating him or herself in the most unusual and unintelligent fashion. (It's usually a him, obviously).

Well us pups hardly need reminding that the evidence for the humans being the most highly evolved species is, well, specious at best. You'll know this, for sure, simply by observing the people with whom you live.

So I have decided to run my own competition, which I am naming the 'Blogville Darwin-lite Award'. It is 'lite' because I am most certainly not looking for stories involving an actual fatality. Rather, I would like  to hear about occasions when your human has acted in a way that can be taken as proof positive against the notion of 'intelligent design'.

Since Gail has decreed that I am banned from entering the contest, I won't bother telling you again about the time she decided to 'calm me down' by squirting Rescue Remedy up my nose on a crowded platform at Aberdeen railway station...

A very special prize will be awarded to the best entry, and the judgement will be made according to a set of rules too complex and abstruse for any human to understand.

To enter, please leave a comment on this post, either (1) describing the episode in sufficient detail for the incredible stupidity of the human involved to be plain for all to see, or (2) referencing an explanatory post on your own blog.

The deadline for entries will be 30th June, and the winner announced on 2nd July, together with an in depth scientific analysis of course...

PS If you write an entry on your own blog, please use the image at the top of this post to indicate your participation in the contest, and include the words 'Darwin-lite' somewhere in the title. You can post any time up to the deadline. Please also feel free to link to the 'blog hop' below. (And a big thank you to  Oz the Terrier for setting it up.)

Agility: distracted by girls?

So, before this week's agility training session started, I had to listen to a great long lecture by Gail.


"Bertie pay attention now please. Earlier this week I forked out the grand sum of £10 to enter you in your first ever agility competition. It takes place just outside Aberdeen on Saturday 8th December and I know it says on the blurb that it's a 'Just For Fun' show but I shall be taking it all very seriously indeed and I expect you to do the same. I have to tell you that I was most disappointed by your performance at training last week, and I think our trainer Shaun was too. One would have thought you were a complete beginner at agility, which you are not. You really must learn not to be so distracted by the girl dogs in your class. Especially that fluffy wee Pippa..."

Not for the first time, I couldn't believe my flappy little ears. What was all this about me being distracted by girls? (And heaven help me if Addi hears about it...) The truth is that I had NO IDEA what I was supposed to be doing that week 'cos Gail kept forgetting which order I was supposed to be jumping the obstacles and was just waving her arms in a random fashion so I got all confused. Personally I think the underlying problem was that Gail was all stressed 'cos of worrying about her Dad, but I'm just a dog, what would I know?

Anyway, I must say that my three young lady dog agility training companions are very nice indeed (although in no way distracting) and I'm sure my blog readers would like to meet them.

Here is Cassie, with her handler Kevin.


As you can see, Cassie is a swotty collie, and would not waste time looking at the camera as she was far too focussed on trying to figure out the optimum angles to approach all the jumps.


Then there's Maddy. I think she enjoys posing for photos.


She is super quick over the obstacles too. And these days she even waits for Alison to give the 'go' signal before racing off.


Finally, yes, of course there's wee Pippa.


Isn't she cute? She's a relative newcomer and it's only polite for me to go and make her and her young handler Bethany feel welcome isn't it?


But I am totally not being distracted by her.


I hope that's quite clear.

Bunty's list: Bertie reveals his competitive side...

Bertie: the picture of innocence

Remember Bunty? The little border terrier pup who ate my lunch?

Well. She sent me an email the other day.

I know what you're thinking. About time she apologised for that dreadful behaviour. Perhaps she's finally learning some manners.

Not one bit of it.

The email simply read as follows:


Trousers, leaves, pansies (eaten rather than chewed), dressing gown, cardboard boxes, woollen hats, twigs, feet of antique tables, flex, toilet paper, flower pots, combs, remembrance poppies, firewood, shoes, boots, matches, fir cones, newspapers.


This is, of course, a list of household objects she's chewed up so far. I think I'm supposed to be impressed.

Is this some sort of a contest Bunty?

Well let me make a few things quite clear:

1. I too have chewed just about every single item on your pathetic little list, and then some.
2. If Gail had owned any antique furniture, then I certainly would have had a go at that too.
3. Did you see what I did to that egg box?
4. Ditto the dog flap.

Finally Bunty, I would like to bet you half a dozen choice lamb shanks that you can't compete with my proudest achievement to date.

It used to be Gail's favourite cashmere sweater, but I guess it isn't anymore as I haven't seen her wear it lately...