Name envy

A few days ago,  Gail and I tried out a new dog-friendly café, 'Figment', conveniently situated beside my favourite shop, 'Pet Comforts'.

At the table next to us was a quiet and sensible looking miniature schnauzer and Gail fell into conversation with his owner while we two pups warily sized each other up.

The schnauzer was wearing a cosy blue fleece jacket and I found myself feeling a bit under-dressed, and wishing I had on my Aran jumper.

Having established from his human that my new pal was two years old, very well behaved, and lived round the corner from the café, Gail asked her his name.

'Einstein' apparently.

Gosh, if I was already coveting the blue fleece, just imagine how envious I felt when I learned of this most distinguished moniker.

"Gail, you claim to be some sort of a physicist, why did you not call me Einstein?" I asked when we got home.

She replied, in retrospect quite sympathetically (for Gail). "I'm so sorry. Who knew you were such sensitive little fellow? If it matters so much to you, shall we just pretend that Bertie is short for Albert, and that I had Albert Einstein in mind when I named you and not Bertie Wooster, not him at all!

Do you think this was a satisfactory resolution?

Back to the scene in the café. While Gail was finishing her tea, Einstein and I had time for a wee chinwag. To be honest with you, I found him a bit hard going. Our conversation went like this:

BB: Well Einstein, do you want to play with me?
Einstein: God does not play dice with the universe.

BB: Er, OK then, perhaps you would prefer to be with your human? She looks pretty smart.
Einstein: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

BB: Say, Einstein, it’s a bit chilly today isn’t it? And I almost fell over on the ice.
Einstein: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

BB: Well, I guess it must be time to go home, it’s dark already. Look, a full moon tonight!
Einstein: I like to think the moon is there even if I am not looking at it.

Gail later asked me if I’d had a nice time chatting with my new Schnauzer pal.
“Relatively”, I replied.

In good company with Albert Einstein

Bertie Boffin would like to remind you that only the smartest of humans choose wire-haired fox terriers.

Albert Einstein with his WFT, named 'Chico'

Gravity Waves inspire Valentine Verse

A love poem dedicated to my sweetheart Addi, and inspired by the recent and thrilling announcement that gravity waves have finally been detected, a century after Albert Einstein first predicted their existence:


ALL OF A FLUTTER

by Bouncing Bertie Boffin

When I think of you Addi, so large yet so sweet
My heart starts a pounding. It will not behave
In the regular way. So strong are its beats
I believe I've produced gravitational waves.

These faint fluctuations will surely distort
The space-time continuum betwixt you and me.
I know you will feel them; a lass of your sort
Has the requisite fine sensitivity. 

In my mind I imagine old Einstein is smiling
His forecasts are all now proved right.
And you dearest Addi, I find most beguiling;
So massive, so dense and so white.


PS  Gosh I am so excited about joining Addi on our unique Blogville Valentine's Day Parade float on Sunday 14th Feb.

Galileo, Newton, Einstein and Bertie Boffin

Welcome, students, to this latest lecture in my world renowned 'Canine Science Series'! This lecture is dedicated to our Relentlessly Huge friend Mango and his family and I wish them all the best in their efforts to bring his horrid seizures under control, and hope that science (plus love) can help.

As you are aware, today's topic is gravity, and I know you will all be leaping up and down with excitement at the prospect.

Of course, it is only because of gravity, that we have the 'down' bit...

Now all good scientists like to test their ideas by performing experiments. Italian physicist/astronomer Galileo Galilei conducted one of the most famous experiments in history when he dropped two balls of different masses off the Leaning Tower of Pisa and thus conclusively demonstrated that all objects fall at the same acceleration, due to gravity.

And so, when planning this lecture, I had what I thought a truly excellent idea. I suggested to Gail that we take the whole class on a trip to Pisa, and all the dogs whose weights we know (see graph, which will biggify on clicking) would jump off the top of the tower together, and I would stand at the bottom with a big net and observe what happened.

I have to tell you that Gail immediately looked alarmed. "Hold on a minute", she said, "I don't think we have the budget for that, what with all the higher education cutbacks, etc. Anyway, there is a fine tradition in science of 'thought experiments', using pure logic to determine what might happen. Why don't you try that instead Bertie?"

So I spent a little while pondering what might happen if I took all my friends to Pisa....

Oh dear.

Well first off, numbers were greatly reduced by the time we reached the Leaning Tower, Lacie having shamelessly announced that she thought science "too boring" and hijacked a bus to take her and an entourage of the more fashion conscious dogs for some retail therapy in Milan. Asta wanted to join them, but she had consumed an excess of gelato and was too sick to travel, but also too bloated to fit through the door of the tower. Stella, who didn't really deserve to join the class anyway as she never divulged her weight, predictably hightailed her presumably rather chubby self off to the Clooney villa on Lago di Como no soon as we'd set paw in Italy. Some of the boy dogs heard about a poker night organised by the local mafiosa, and their whereabouts is still unknown. And finally, oh horror of horrors, dear sweet innocent little Katie accepted an invitation to a 'Bunga Bunga' party, courtesy of some creepy older guy with an orange tan and strangely unnatural hair....

The faithful few that did make it up all the steps to the top of the Leaning Tower (led of course by George) were to leap off in unison the minute I gave the sign.  Sadly, Mango got distracted at a crucial moment and was a couple of seconds late in jumping, so landed on top of all the others and....

What's that Gail? You are saying that I have misunderstood the concept of a 'thought experiment'?

OK then, back to the text books (sigh).

The name most commonly associated with gravity is of course Sir Isaac Newton, quite possibly the least likable personality ever amongst world ranking scientists (and believe me the competition is strong). The story goes that Newton's dog Diamond knocked over a candle and burned a notebook containing 20 years worth of observations, but when you read about the relish with which, in later life as Master of the Royal Mint, Newton pursued the prosecution of coin counterfeiters and had the miscreants hung, drawn and quartered, you will be relieved that his dog apparently escaped with a mild ticking off.

Oh, I am digressing again.

Let's move on to Einstein, who introduced the concept that gravity is the curvature of space time, hence the more massive an object, the more light bends around it. It seems that this effect has been noticed in Wilf's household, but only in the vicinity of the bipeds (surely not 'the Font', whom we all imagine as a slender, long-limbed and not at all dense Scandinavian, don't we?)

I think that the explanation for why light shines out of a certain orifice belonging to 'King' Toffee in South Africa awaits a 21st Century Einstein figure.

Now I would like to have made more use in this lecture of all the fascinating weight data that you provided, but I confess that I am more that a little troubled about its accuracy. Lacie dear (said in my best patronising David Cameronesque tones), did you weigh yourself on top of Mount Everest? Or maybe even on the moon? And another data point looks like an 'outlier'. Or can a dog really be 230 lb? Nearly two Gails?? If so, Mango, we predict high tides in the Estate Pool when you approach. As for Riley and Enzo - Newton himself would have been baffled by your measurement system. Lastly, on legal advice from Jed and Abbey, I decided to steer well clear of any of the data relating to the humans, cats and parrots...

I would also like to have discussed with you my interesting theory of "dog mouth/black hole equivalence",  but sadly we have already run out of time today!

Matters of great gravity

In my role as Bouncing Bertie Boffin (Science Advisor to Blogville) I am pleased to announce that the next lecture in my Spring series will address the subject of gravitational attraction.

I shall be considering the issue from a relativistic standpoint.

Only those dogs so dense that light bends around them* will want to skip this class...

Recognising however that one or two of even my brighter pupils could find this a challenging topic (to others, I know, it will be a breeze) I am going to ask you for some personal data that will enable me to present the science in my usual accessible and canine-relevant fashion.

As you may already be aware, the gravitational force associated with a body is proportional to its mass. Now all I need you to do is to leave a comment telling me how much you weigh. It can be in pounds, kilograms, stones, whatever. If you are feeling very brave, you could also let me know the weight of your human Mum/Dad/carer/pack leader, although Gail has specifically asked me to advise that I cannot be responsible for the consequences if you chose to divulge what some humans consider classified information......

Regular readers know I am shortly going to prison with no internet access 'those nice boarding kennels' and so will be unable either to post or to visit my friends' blogs for the next week or so.

But rest assured I shall keep myself busy preparing a most interesting and enlightening lecture...

*With apologies to Malcolm Tucker (I wanted to put a link here for those who aren't familiar with the great Scotsman Malcolm Tucker, but couldn't find one that didn't lead you to lots of rude words, and this is supposed to be a family blog. You can google him yourself, but be warned...)