Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Matters of great gravity

In my role as Bouncing Bertie Boffin (Science Advisor to Blogville) I am pleased to announce that the next lecture in my Spring series will address the subject of gravitational attraction.

I shall be considering the issue from a relativistic standpoint.

Only those dogs so dense that light bends around them* will want to skip this class...

Recognising however that one or two of even my brighter pupils could find this a challenging topic (to others, I know, it will be a breeze) I am going to ask you for some personal data that will enable me to present the science in my usual accessible and canine-relevant fashion.

As you may already be aware, the gravitational force associated with a body is proportional to its mass. Now all I need you to do is to leave a comment telling me how much you weigh. It can be in pounds, kilograms, stones, whatever. If you are feeling very brave, you could also let me know the weight of your human Mum/Dad/carer/pack leader, although Gail has specifically asked me to advise that I cannot be responsible for the consequences if you chose to divulge what some humans consider classified information......

Regular readers know I am shortly going to prison with no internet access 'those nice boarding kennels' and so will be unable either to post or to visit my friends' blogs for the next week or so.

But rest assured I shall keep myself busy preparing a most interesting and enlightening lecture...

*With apologies to Malcolm Tucker (I wanted to put a link here for those who aren't familiar with the great Scotsman Malcolm Tucker, but couldn't find one that didn't lead you to lots of rude words, and this is supposed to be a family blog. You can google him yourself, but be warned...)


  1. I think we may be fairly dense, but here goes:

    Kendra 10.1 kg
    Daisy 10.6 kg
    Bella 10.3 kg

    Good luck with the lecture.

  2. Hey there Bertie.

    I think I tip the scales:
    TOBY: 36Kgs
    TAMMY: 32.7Kgs

    Looking forward to whatever results you thumbsuck, BOL! Oh, and BTW....Light comes OUT OF the King! BOL!

    Enjoy your stay at Bertie-Bof's cabin.


  3. Strange. Light bends around all the bipeds in this household. Good luck in France. We shall find some suitable treats to write about in your absence.

  4. We are fairly dense here, but Carrleigh is less dense now than she was last week - she will thank you for waiting to do this now instead of then.

    Lilly - 24.6 pounds
    Piper - 20.0 pounds
    Carrleigh - 25.7 pounds
    Ruairi - 20.6 pounds

    The puppies all average about 10 ounces each and there are 8 of them. But the time you are released, they will probably weight a pound or more.

    Our human refuses to divulge her weight, but she does tell her age occasionally - older than dirt.

    Lilly, Piper, Carrleigh, Ruairi and The Sweet Babes

  5. I weigh 230 pounds and you, know I have to stay away from the ocean lest my large self cause high tides and whatnot. The pea is only 80 pounds. Midget!


  6. HMMM you're quite the scientist huh, Bertie? I weigh around 28 kilos. Chloe is 30. River is 35 & Megan is around 28 too, I think. My hoomie lost weight so she doesn't mind telling you. Well, she WAS 62 kilos but now she's back at 70. She is trying her best to get back on track with her weightloss!

  7. Can't wait to see the results of this highly scientific survey!

    I, Jake, weigh 25 pounds.

    My brother, Just Harry is a lunker at 30 pounds (that's a lot for our breed).

    Our Dogdad weighs 210 pounds (sometimes).

    And our Mom, light as a feather.

    Wirey love as we imagine Gail in France and you dear BBB in your luxurious -- we hope -- home away from home.

    Jake of Florida

  8. let me see's! I don't nose how many KG's I is, but my scale says bout 9 pounds. Den da scale burps....I tink I is overweight..gotta watch dos treats.

  9. Oh Boy... another of your grrrrreat lecture series!! Can't wait.

    I am 10 pounds and 10 ounces. It is ALL Muscle.. will that make a difference in your calculations???

  10. Bertie, make sure you get it in writing from Gail to bring you loads of goodies back, over a week I just can't believe she is leaving you for that long!

    Now my weight is 12.5kgs yes I am over weight for a WT!!! but I will add that I am also higher than most WTs so I reckon my weights right.
    Dad is 84kgs and mom's just not playing ball but she on the big size!!! she makes a great cushon lol!!!
    Do hope you have fun in prison, I will be thinking of you.
    I have started putting Have a Good Week at the end of my comments, but it may be pushing it a little knowing where you are going!!!
    See Yea Soon George xxx

  11. hey Bertie,

    I will gladly contribute to your scientific research! I love science! And bones. Last time I was weighed I came in at a staggering 85 pounds. Porgy, the parrot, weighs about 355 grams.

    Sorry about prison. Hope you have a short sentence. If you get time in the yard, maybe you and some others can plan a breakout.


  12. Dear Bertie

    We do hope your time in prison isn't too awful for you. Would you like us to send you a shovel in a very large slice of liver cake, nobody would suspect...... Just let us know where you will be OK?

    Here are our weights...........

    Molly 28kg
    Monty 20kg
    Taffy 10kg
    Winnie 9 kg.

    Looking forward to your next lecture.

    Molly, Taffy, Monty and Winnie

  13. Dear Bertie,

    As a Golden Retriever my chosen measurement of weight has to be food, so I can tell you that I weigh 2.6 bags full, whereas Enzo, the young pup, weighs exactly (at last visit to the vets) one bag full of my food. You see a "bag full" is the best way to measure me as I have learnt that I can eat my own weight in sixty days and remain the same size. Less than sixty days and there are serious noises coming from my mum and our vet, more than sixty days and there are even odder noises coming from me, but at around sixty days there are no gravitational effects and complete silence!

    However my measurement system gets confusing as young Enzo consumes a different food (which I find extremely tasty whenever I can get little pieces of it) but he only weighs 0.7 of a bag of his food and as he eats it he gets bigger! Remember he is currently one bag full of my food so shouldn’t change size (because that is the whole purpose of my measurement unit) but mum is constantly feeding “his food” to him and giving him extra meals. Now I know that I sit a lot, so there is definitely a gravitational pull of the food from my mouth to my rear end, but perhaps in an active puppy that is constantly running around and trying to chase and jump on me this doesn’t happen.

    What I can't figure out is if there is a different density to his food, if my food exerts a different gravitational pull through my body so my own weight remains consistent, and if "his food" will make him grow to the size of the food bag (which is currently bigger than he is but only 0.54 of my weight)?

    So what does it all mean oh great scientific one, and where are you on the great dog food scale (or does the food you eat have no gravitational effect on you)?


  14. Hey Bertie!

    I guess your right about light bending cause I am always upset when the sun light bends somewhere else after I just got all comfy in the sun light.

    Me I weigh 2.3 kg

    Gee, I miss you already and cannot wait for you to return from prison or ah er, I mean the doggie kennel.

    Hang in there Bertie!

    woo woos, Tessa

  15. You sure are going to be busy with your lecture. Hope the jail, I mean kennel will provide good lighting and a desk
    Benny & Lily

  16. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WEIGH????BERTIE YOU NEVER EVER ASK HOW MUCH A GIRL WEIGHS(esp if her PL'S have been calling her roly poly...ARCHIEEEEEEEE BE QUIET) Listen I don't know why in heavens name you need my weight and I am afraid it has been months MONTHS since I have been on a scale so I just really don't know at all.. there I hope I haven't wrecked your next experiment... Agatha

  17. Psssttttt Bertie...It's Arch I am over here hiding from my sister. She is on the internet looking up Weight Watchers programs. I am 19 pounds and she is 22 DO NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU THIS REPEAT DO NOT TELL HER I TOLD YOU THIS or there will be a price to pay and I will be the one paying it... Love Arch

  18. Georgie 45 lbs.
    Gordy 65 lbs. (estimate)
    Pesto the cat 13 lbs.
    You didn't say if cats were part of your analytical research.
    Gordy and Georgie are unsure how much their topknots add to their weight...

  19. I, Jazzi weigh a whopping 20 lbs, I have to keep a girlish figure!! I would tell you my moms weight but she is threatening me within a inch of my life if I even type one single number and, well....I kinda value my life!! BOL Shhhh.....All I can say is she is on the 100's!!

    Jazzi and Addy

  20. Wow, we like Riley's measuring system. Much less confusing than lbs and kgs and whatnot. But mama says it's too much for her to figure out at this time of night, so Jed weighed 78 lbs about 10 days ago and Abby weighed 64 lbs. Mama's weight is a State Secret and she'd send a CIA hit team to rub you out - then us - if we spilled the beans.

    Sorry to hear about your doing hard time. You're a terrier; dig your way out. For the long term, don't you have a close friend or neighbor you could cultivate to pet sit you when Gail abandons you? We have our wonderful Aunt Janet next door.

    Jed & Abby

  21. Here's hoping your enforced jail time passes quickly dear Bertie. Boy, your mom had better return with some good treats!

    I, Buzzy McDuff weigh a whopping 22 lbs (yes-I'm a pudgie boy)and

    Pippa Posey weighs a mere 11 lbs (cause she's recently sprung from a dastardly puppy mill and we're working on beefing her up a bit)

    Glad you're keeping busy while doing time. Looking forward to the results of your latest research.

    Hugs; Buzz&Pip

  22. Thanks Bertie, We made note of that category fur next year!! You look great there though Bertie!!


  23. Our combined weight is approximately 250 lbs. That's just the five of us dogs, no humans included :)

    As for Malcolm Tucker - we checked him out and YIKES! He would definitely make a sailor blush. hehe

    The Road Dogs

  24. AGATHA WEIGHTS 22 POUNDS????????

    Wow...this comment section if full of info...

    Stanley..52 lbs.

    Scruffy 21 lbs.

    And I the daintly Lacie tip the scales at a mere

    13 lbs. Dunno what any of that is in Kg. and too lazy to convert.

    Good luck with your study, want us to spring ya from prison???


    Lacie Tea Cakes Who Never Has More Than One Scone

  25. Hi Bertie
    just coming back to say thanks for your visit and kind comment. Fancy you being taken for an Airedale, I had a women say to me, I grew up with one of them but it was white!!! I think she ment a WFT!!!
    George and Jan xxx

  26. You WOULD ask this right after we've visited those horrid scales at the VET's office just last week. Thank goodness Moma was paying attention, 'cause they listed my weight as 29.6 pounds (and were going to prescribe my Heartworm medication accordingly) ... when in fact, I weigh a mere 19.6 pounds (just like my pal Arch). Fergi, on the other hand, is a weeeee bit ummm ... more solid? Heftier? More plump? Chunkier? Let's just say ... she weighs the same thing as Agatha. Must be something about girls. And. In case Aggie reads this ... Moma has Fergi on Weight Watchers, too. 'Cause, given an opportunity, she would SURELY eat more than one scone.


    Jake (and Fergi ... whose weight would be only fractionally more at sea level. She wanted you to be sure that she knows and understands this. AND, maybe if we'd ever get back to our LongWalks, she'd lose a pound or two.)

  27. Ummm Bewtie
    I am so vewy excitewed about this newly planned lectoowe

    My weight is
    19.8 lbs, not as dainty as my BFF Lacie, but then I AM a wiwe while she is a dainty Lakie, hehehe
    now Bewtie come close as this is soopew secwet (Mommi is 139lbs and Daddi is 230, but unlike Mango, Daddi is 6'5" tall so he doesn't look quite as hefty Psssst. doNOT divulge this to anyone)
    smoochie kisses

  28. This comment has been removed by the author.

  29. Hiya Bertie
    Just to put the record stright and in the interest of "factrightfulness", I'm only 74 kgs.
    Enjoy your stay in prison - I'll send you a cake with a file in it,LOL
    Sorry about the last one - forgot to sign it.
    Georges Dad

  30. Hi Bertie! We always wish to contribute to scientific study:

    Gizmo - 108#
    Bart - 108#
    Ruby - 88#

    Hope you meet some furiends in jail... and that Gail manages to have a good time without you.


  31. Bewtie
    I'm so glad that sweet hamish paved the way fow you and you wewe embwaced immediately by all the bloggie pals.
    Thank you fow youw kind wowds to me. I was so happy that I knew HAmish and now get to see you gwow and matoowe and make him and Gail so pwoud
    smoochie kisses
    ASTA youw distant cousin

  32. Hmm...this post could make for some really good blackmail...sorta like I won't reveal all these weights if you send treats to:

    Lacie Teacakes...

    Da Burgh...Pennsylvania...

    What are you doin' with this pawsonal info, Bertie?

    And YES I ONLY WEIGH 13 LBS...there are some very unkind jealous dogs who make fun of my petite backside....and don't be asking Mango if I got stuck in the tire swing at his new foster home...I was merely less slippery than usual.


    Miss Lacie Not Too Many Teacakes

  33. Hee hee "pawsonal information" - love it! We weigh about 9 kg each, our nasty human has had us both on rations as she said we were little Porkies whatever that means....grrrrr. Love your blog, you look a very bouncy chap indeed, do you do it like us from all 4's, that always gets a treat;-) Dexter & Louis x

  34. Hey Bertie,
    We have our internet connection back. Storms fried out our modem, major bummer. Ok, I Butchy WAS 19.5 lbs. before I started my seizure meds, last week I was 22 lbs., so the water weight from drinking NON-STOP is now under the strict control of Mama. Little Katie weighs 14 lbs. Errr, Mama weighs 105 lbs. and Papa, forget that one, hahaha! He's probably about 200 lbs. right now, way too much!
    Good luck with your lecture.
    Wirey Hugs, Purrz & Licks,
    Butchy, Katie, Ruby, Sylvester, Scuby, Hootie & Zeek

  35. I weigh 23 lbs, but the VET said that I could stand to lose one. How rude. What's also rude is your imprisionment!

    Nubbin wiggles,

  36. Bertie my boy how are you? Crickey I'm a bad absent uncle. Should of tootled up in the zoomer and sprung you from prison. All 8.2k of me. next time Bertie just give me the nod and a wink eh?

    Wiry ones Eric xxx

    Yeah what's wrong with those leggeds pies thinking we are airedales? Or even welshies?