Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Grooming routine and the Pee vs N-Pee problem

Today I am going to tell you about my grooming routine.

I know some of my friends go for fancy 'spa days' to get all primped and primed, but that's not how it is for me.

Every month or so, on a Friday morning (Gail's day off) I am placed in front of the prehistoric electric fire and given a long-lasting chew. Then Gail removes my collar, fetches the stripping tool, and, starting with my neck and ears, the grooming session begins.

There is not much conversation (Gail never asks where I am going for my holidays) and so we listen to Desert Island Discs or, if the guest on that programme is being boring or irritating, a podcast from BBC Radio 4, often something to do with science. Last week I learned all about the P versus NP problem on 'In Our Time' and gosh it was very interesting. I think I understood it right. Suppose you wanted to go round the park and pee on every tree just once in the shortest possible time, then you might be surprised to learn that working out the optimum route is not in fact a Pee problem, rather it is an N-Pee problem, for which mathematicians and computer scientists have yet to find a ready solution. Although the answer, if ever found, would be easy to check. Apparently.

Do I digress?

So as I was saying, Gail starts with my top end, then strips my tail, then my back and haunches. (I may be onto my second chew by then). If I get restive, she switches her attention back to my neck and ears again, which feels quite nice - a bit like a massage I suppose.

ON ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNT will I countenance my belly, private parts, legs and face being stripped, and these are dealt with using pinking scissors, or, where more precision is required, nail scissors. Often this part is done later in the day when I am getting a bit sleepy.

There is also quite often a follow-up session the next day, to tidy the parts that Gail missed first time round. Thankfully this doesn't usually take too long.

Gail claims she rather enjoys the whole process, despite what are, frankly, sub-Crufts standard results.
(I think there is still work to do on my ears.)


  1. We have a similiar ritual... we always watch the info channel while my mom works on my nails :o) btw: the WHFT of my grandparents only accepted that procedure while she sat on top of the working dryer, she was a fan of that vibrating moves of the dryer... maybe she imagined to be a cowgirl on a wild mustang :o)

  2. Well I haf to say you DO look VERY handsome!!!
    Oh, and the 'drink less coffee' bit....nope, that does NOT compute here!
    Loves and licky kisses
    Princess Leah xxx

  3. Golly Gee Bertie that sounds like a dream time. A fire, a bone and a gentle brushing motion all over your top parts. I'm with you on the underneath parts. I love brushing but best not touch my tummy..well that is if you value your ankles. Every so often mom will stand me on my hind legs, place her arm under my front legs to brush my tummy. all is good until she lets me down at which time I nip at her ankles. You would think she'd get the message.

    MOLMOL mom read up on the art of using an umbrella, carrying a camera while walking a dog.
    Hugs madi your bfff

  4. we suffer the same torture - only on a weekly basis - we would be happy to swap for a monthly routine. It does pay off though - you look very handsome bertie

  5. Phod gets brushed every few days cause he loves it and needs it. That is about the extent of our grooming routine. Yours sounds nicer.

  6. I get brushed by Krista whenever she and mum feel I need it. I especially like when Krista's daughter Kathryn comes over and helps brush me -- bol

  7. I think you look pawfect! Momma knows she would NOT do well with having to trim furs, so that's one reason she started looking at boxers. We're wash & wear.

  8. You look so beautiful...your mom did a good job, our mom gets lazy about our baf's since dad got hurt, we may even haf to go to the groomer which we never have done....we are hoping mom will just get in gear and do it yourself.
    stella rose

  9. We think your ears look very cute flipped over like that. No wonder Addi is so in love!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  10. I get something similar - I get a bone to chew on and Mom will brush me. I don't want to admit to her that it does feel good. Mr Bailey and Hazel do not like to be brushed but sometimes it just has to happen
    You look very handsome Bertie
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel

  11. You get to chew something??? We just get dragged out to the screened room and attacked. We get a small treat AFTERWARDS. We have to have the follow ups for several days....SHE always misses something. SHE wants to know the P situation for 3 dogs who have to leave pee-mail in rotation at every interesting spot!

  12. Hari OM
    OMDness Bertie; even when I was visiting with you and Gail demonstrated, I had no idea it was such a procedure of endurance for you!!! I am so very very glad you had an intellectual distraction as well as the munchy one to help you through!!! Pee or No Pee is one of those "what did we do before sticky tape" kinda things. Just the sticky hasn't taped yet.... Hugs and wags, YAM-aunty xxx

  13. Ya just reminded my momma she needs to strip me. Fanks a lot. Not.

  14. The home fur cut. I suffer the humiliations of a home cut also. The ears never look like they are a matched set and one side has a little lower trim than the other. And I don't even get the chew treat. Lee gives me this crap that it is quality time. But Bertie does it really matter that were don't meet Crufts standard.
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

  15. You are so truly beautiful, my beloved god-doggy son, and we are very impressed with Gail's fortitude and grooming skill set. Stripping sounds slightly illicit to us. Very exciting!

    Tootsie and Dachshund Daddy and Mom

  16. You look fabulous Bertie. Handsome, like a cowboy.
    You kinda lost me in the pee conversation....but if somebody could get my little sister to pee outside EVERY TIME, that would be prize worthy.

  17. We think you always look great. Fabulous, sick, hot, etc.

    Gail does a good job. When you are ready to take Crufts by storm, she will rise to the occasion for that too.

    Gus n Teka