Tuesday 22 May 2012

Request for promotion

Dear VisitWoods Project Leader,

As you know, I have been working as an Assistant Web Guide Volunteer on the Visit Woods project for the last couple of months.  I hope you are pleased with my work to date. I have been taking my new role very seriously.

Several of my canine blog friends (well, one or two) have suggested to me that I deserve a more elevated title, and that a promotion to  'Associate Web Guide Volunteer' is in order. On reflection, I believe that they are right. Organisations being what they are these days, I understand that a promotion cannot be offered to any random dog that demands it, and that I need to make a solid case in support of my request. Now let me see....

Well first, I would like to stress the unique nature of my contribution to the Visit Woods project. Which other of your volunteers has so sensitive a nose and so cute an appearance? Let's be honest, a tree looks much more interesting with a wire-haired fox terrier posed in front, and of course the fact that I stand 17" high at the shoulder provides a useful reference scale.

Next, I think you should be aware I have made not inconsiderable personal sacrifices in the line of duty. For example, did you know that, after my inspection of Countesswells Wood, I was subjected to my first ever bath with shampoo?!!! And that on my 15 km run around Pitfichie, following Gail and Mike on their mountain bikes, I was so exhausted by the end that I kept running in the wrong direction? A situation made all the more embarrassing when it became clear that my companions border terrier Bonnie and toy poodle Jack completed the circuit with no apparent difficulty?

My high level of enthusiasm for 'meet and greet' activities should also be noted. How many other of your volunteers will cheerfully bounce up to and jump all over other woodland visitors, fondly licking any accessible bare flesh and establishing a special form of intimacy by fervently sniffing the area I believe humans refer to as their, er, crotch?

The heroic role I played in preventing a wee human volunteer from being crushed by a Forestry Commission vehicle has been documented elsewhere. (I am considering initiating legal proceedings against those who maintain that this interpretation of events in Durris Forest is incorrect).

My scientific credentials will be obvious to anyone who has perused the 'Bertie Boffin's Science Posts' page of my blog.

Last week I participated in an extra-curricular Woodland Trust activity, namely the Ancient Tree Hunt in Glen Finglas. I believe that this sort of thing earns one extra brownie points. The montage below illustrates my conscientious efforts, hunting out fat, gnarly alder and birch trees, overseeing accurate recording of data and patiently posing as a mascot. This is probably not the right place to express my disappointment that at the end of the day, unlike the human volunteers present, I was not awarded a certificate commending my contribution, but I thought I'd just mention it anyway...
click on picture to biggify
Well, all in all, I think it is clear that an upgrading of my status within your organisation is well overdue. Should further evidence be needed, please do get in touch.

I  look forward to receiving official confirmation of my new rank forthwith.

Yours faithfully,
B. Bertie of Aberdeen.


  1. Bertie,

    We are so impressed with your credentials and obvious devotion to the cause that we think your request for promotion is, if anything, too modest. We're thinking something with the word "deputy" in it would be more in line with your diverse talents and experience.For example, Deputy Director of Web Guide Volunteers?

    We are very pleased to know that you do jump and lick when greeting newcomers as that is our modus operandi too. Vive the WFT!!!

    Wirey love,

    Jake and Just Harry

  2. Bewtie
    That pwomotion is long ovewdoo in my opinion..Jake and JustHawwy said it so well
    Yoo have opened ouw eyes to the booty and wondewfulness of yoow woodlands. I am in awe of yoow knowledge and hawd wowk and well docoomented sacwifices
    If thewe is any faiwness in the wowl, you have this pwomotion nailed
    Wif paws cwossed
    Smoochie kisses

  3. If you don't this promotion, I will be shocked! Great post!

  4. You surely deserve the promotion. After all you suffered through shampoo!

  5. Well Bertie, you has beed busy! I missed out on the whole new job thing, but you sure has me convinced. I wouldn't mind a job like that myself!
    Who do i write to to support your promotion?

    I also completely think you was really heroic saving that little girl's life. What a scaredy human!
    ~Lickies, Ludo

  6. Well Bertie Mate, if it was up to us you would already have the promotion, documented and hung in a prominent place on your wall! No worries, and love, Stella and Rory

  7. Dear Bertie:

    If your supervisor has half as much trouble as I did plowing through this extra long letter, you may have to wait a bit for his/her response. However, I am sure he/she will give it her deepest consideration and let you know the decision sometime later than now. Good luck, Bertie!

    Yours truly,

  8. Bertie, I would be surprised if they turned down your request for promotion after such a well written explanation of your services to the cause.


  9. WOW! Bertie, that is one long list and yes, I agree, you should be upgraded to a new title and like ASAP!!!


  10. We think Jake and Just Harry have spoken for us. Yes. Deputy Director of Web Guide Volunteers has a nice ring to it. And while we're not allowed to jump on new people - something about being too big - we commend your enthusiasm and committment to welcoming all!

    Our paws are crossed for your speedy promotion as well,

    -Bart and Ruby

  11. I certainly believe you covered your credentials fully with the THREE S's..
    Scientific Advisorship.

    What more could that ask fur? I think you should be the KING of Web Guide Volunteers.

  12. Do you have those credentials hanging on the wall.
    Benny & Lily

  13. Bertie,
    You are most deserving of a promotion, and if you do not recieve the afore mentioned promotion; then, the humans in charge must be daft. You are an excellent volunteer, and you should be honoured(I used the british spelling for you) as such.
    Sally Ann And Andy Stanley

  14. hey Bertie,

    Very well pawed. I think you have pleaded your case magnificently and I feel they would be remiss to not promote you pronto!

    However...I do question the inclusion of the Pitfichie incident. They may not think that the fact that you ran in the wrong direction due to exhaustion, while your two canine companions, Bonnie and Jack, completed the circuit without difficulty, is something positive for a Web Guide.

    Regardless, good luck and my paws are crossed for your immediate promotion!


  15. Bertie, I am so impressed! You are truly the best candidate for this very important job. Have you considered perhaps sending a basket of muffins? It might not hurt. I can't imagine who would be more attentive to this duty than you. I am not sure I would leave the "crotch" licking in, some humans, I have found, don't favor this. Just a thought and good luck my pal.

  16. Hey Bertie-Bud,
    Your arguments are valid and convincing. Some folk just don't get it... Eish, what more can a dog do (Well, I know there is a lot more we can do, but I mean...what more can we do to impress?) Enjoy your walks. Wish I was with you.

  17. Well Bertie, you have done your best, if you don't get promotion after that the person who hands out the promotions must be very stupid!

    Deccy x

  18. Bertie, I can't believe you need to ask for this! You should be promoted as a matter of course :)

  19. Good luck with your request, Bertie. Thoroughly merited promotion. We certainly endorse your candidacy and are happy to add our recommendation to the Board.

    Jed & Abby

  20. Holy moley BertieBoy, you sure do deserve to have an elevated title! Seems like the hoomans are basically just along with you for the ride!! bol. Have a good weekend.
    Smooches from pooches,
    BabyRocketDog & Hootie

  21. Why Bertie did you mention that you take the time to water and fertilize also when you asked for the elevated status.
    Sweet William The Scot