Celebrating our Low Carbon Pawprint Olympics

Deccy's 'Tuneful Farting' contest today has set me to thinking.

About greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, we're back to science again. Hooray! Us Olympians must remember to exercise the brain too...

Well of course, I know you know that the average fart is 80% methane. And that methane is twenty five times more potent a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

See how I did my bit to counter the potential climate impact of Deccy's particular sport.



But, wind aside, it occurs to me that the Blogville Olympics could teach the London Games a thing or two about saving the planet*.

Look at it this way.

Did we dogs and cats require some huge heated 50 m pool for our Swimming event? We did not. For example, a paddling pool scarcely bigger than a saucer sufficed for our dear friend Lorenza.

In the Cultural Olympiad, did we need oil-based or synthetic paints, or otherwise artificial materials? No, of course we didn't. All the masterpieces in Jazzi's 'Window Nose Art' contest were created using an entirely natural and self-generated substance...

Were special high energy diets required for Synchronised Snoozing and Couch Potato Peeling? Don't be ridiculous.

And then, how much aviation fuel did we burn up travelling to our events? Again, the answer is none, not one single milligram. Aided by Mayor Frankie's awesome organisational abilities, and the marvel that is the world wide web (hats off to Sir Tim Berners-Lee) we have come together from all over the world to enjoy a packed programme of magnificent events, all without the need to venture further than a Cross Neighbourhood Walkabout.

So step aside, organisers of the London Olympics, the games sponsored by companies ultimately responsible for the Deepwater Horizon and Bhopal disasters, we citizens of Blogville can hold our heads up high and award ourselves Gold for the greenest of games, friendly in the environmental and all other senses.

If only I lived with a human capable of designing a medal.

And if only Global Warming would make it up to Scotland...



*OK, yes, 'saving the planet' is a dumb expression, isn't it? As all geologists know, the planet will survive perfectly well for the foreseeable future, as, incidentally will the microbes. It's just us dogs and humans I'm worried about here.

Taking care of important business

Oh I do apologise to my friends if they feel I have been neglecting them.

You see I've been away on important business (that's what all high achievers say isn't it?)

What could be more important than trying to cheer up Human Grandad?

So Gail and I went down to Nottingham for a visit last week. I took HGD for a short walk by the River Trent and as usual we had a nice chat.

 I can still make sense of what he's trying to say, even if others often can't.

We shared a joke and then it was home for afternoon tea.

See, I'm keeping him smiling with my antics.

Now you can always rely on Human Granny for a nice cup of tea.

Oh and I must, I absolutely must tell you what HGY said last Friday afternoon when Gail had to go out without me for a short while.

Gail was going through that rather patronising and annoying "now Bertie you'll be good while I'm away won't you?" routine. No doubt some of my friends get this too...

But this time, HGY interrupted her.

"I expect he'll be good. He usually is. He's no trouble."

Yes, those were her very words.

Aren't Grannies just the business?


Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, the Pet Blogging Olympics continue to enthral. I want to say a humungous thank you to all who took part in my Bouncing (narrrative style) event, both entrants and those who commented on the post. Everything went brilliantly, and it was such fun wasn't it! Now I'm going to relax and enjoy all the other games, as I'm sure you will too.

Bouncing (narrative style) Olympic event!

Oh I am just bouncing off the walls with excitement about all the wonderful entries to my Bouncing (narrative style) event. Every single one is a winner! Thank you so much to all the lovely participants, for taking the time to celebrate the act of bouncing with such creativity. We have poems, limericks, prose, haiku and even a citation from Blogville's Chief of Police.

Here they are, in order of arrival in my inbox. Read and enjoy.

Finn

Up on the sofa

Finn does her bee-bop bouncin'

While her peeps relax

But she hears them not

While they command her to stop

She bounces onward.

Casey the Boxer
Bouncey, bouncey, I like to bounce!

It's so much fun, it's like a big pounce!

I can jump and leap and spin and twirl,

My legs stretched out front, my ears all a-curl.

But the best reason for bouncing we know is just this --

It's the best way to leap up and grab a big KISS!

Molly the Wally

Molly’s Bouncing Ode!

I like bouncing off the sofa,

And bouncing off the walls,

Sometimes off my human,

And sometimes with rubber balls.

I bounce all day and night,

Bouncing like a crazy thing,

Sometimes with my tennis balls,

And sometimes when I sing.

I’m bouncing like a kangaroo

Or like a bouncing spring.

Sometimes I bounce far too high

And with ceiling my head doth ding.

Bouncing is the best of fun,

We should all bounce together,

So let’s get bouncing all my pals,

Nevermind the weather.

And when you feel you’ve bounced too much,

And fall into a tired heap,

Find a little restful spot,

And have a little sleep.

By Molly the Bouncing Wally. 

Oskar
I bounce when I play

with Blue my favorite toy

bounce that day away

Sasha
When I go to the park, and smell the fresh air, I bounce with joy.

The car stops and I run out and grab my favorite toy.

I bounce and bounce as I run and play.

I hope and hope we can stay all day.

I roll in the grass and pass some gas and give Mommy sass.

Today I wish with every ounce that today is the day I will go and bounce.

Sarge
Incident Report

Officer:  Sarge, Chief of Police, Blogville

Date: July 29, 2012  Time: 0430est

Violation:  Disturbing the Peace

Accused:  Mr Hy Leaper

Witness:  Mr Lon Hopper

Victim:  Bounding Betty’s Bar & Bistro

Description:  This officer responded to report of disturbance at local tavern.  Took statement from Mr Hopper who did state that he observed Mr Leaper jumping repeatedly on the stools of the tavern. 

At the request of Ms Bounding Betty, Mr Hopper acted as the employed bouncer to remove Mr Leaper.  The accused verbally sprung assaults on Mr Hopper and jumped repeatedly on his toes. 

Mr Hopper then bounded down the street and disappeared. 

Citation issued by:  Sarge, Chief of Police

Roo
There once was a dog in Flor-ee-da

Who liked to bounce for his dee-na

One day he bounced so high

He caught a pizza on the fly

Next day he asked his Mom for a tramp-o-lee-na ;)

Reuben
The Foodstuffs Dance

Correct-sized legs is hard to bend,

and leaping no is my best friend.

My belly drags across the ground

and Mama says "Reuben, you is too round." 

Although I is big, my legs no is,

so instead of bouncing, I does this:

When it is time for me to eat

I gets excited in my feet!

My legs just starts to go and go 

and the next thing that I know

I goes into a kind of trance

And I performs the Foodstuffs Dance.

There's lots of shuffles to and fro,

My legs is moving fast, and so

I then begins the Foodstuffs Whine

and the Foodstuffs Bark - those foods is MINE!

And I continues, all a-quiver

Until the foodstuffs is delivered.

I nom it up so fast I cough

and then I goes to sleep it off.

Susie and Sidebite
Bouncing by Susie:

Bouncing came easy to me, once I discovered the fun of the back yard, it suddenly struck Me. This is my happy time, it's what makes me bounce, when Mom or Dad come out and chase me around the 87 acres, about every third or fourth step I bounce, and then I go after Shadow to join in, and the real bouncing around on her begins. Now I have every body involved, then Bites shows up and the party is on.

My second best bouncing is chasing after something, ball, Frisbee, rabbit, just anything that goes fast, even Sidebite.

My bestest bounces come when I Bark, see I am a little girl with a high pitch yell, so's, to get my message out I put my all into it, I squat down, let it go, and bounce backwards till the problem is gone.

Bouncing by Sidebite:

One: I love to play footies while Dad walks and I chase after his feet, bouncing and attacking, then get another run, bounce in, attack, growl and do this till I can't move.

Two: Dad thinks he has a recliner, WRONG, by Scottie Law, It's MINE!. We come in during the late evening and get a snack, then Dad lies down on the floor in front of my recliner and we play ball, or wrestle with a suffie, till I am Tired. Now I got him, I take a run and bounce on his tummy and into MY recliner.

George the Lad
B is for Ball

O is for Outing

U is for Urinate

N is for New places to visit

C is for Chews

I  is for  Interesting Steps

N is for Nose to the ground

G is for Great time

If I get all of the above it makes me want to

Bounce. Bounce, Bounce, Bounce, Bounce

Daisy, Bella and Roxy

Bella does little ladylike hops

  while waiting for a treat.

But telly gets her bouncing high

  which for her is quite a feat.

Roxy bounces all the time,

  you'd think her legs were springs.

She bounces all around the house,

  leaping over things.

Daisy's like a cheerleader

  bouncing to get HER to go.

'Cause whenever it is walk time,

  SHE moves VERY slow.

Declan
Deccy the ex racing hound

Howled and bounced round and round

He just had to run

But it wasn’t for fun

KC’s claws were like daggers he found!

Tootsie
I'm two foot long and half a foot tall

and I bounce around like a fur ball

It is easy to see

I'm no WFT

'Cuz my bounces are overly small.

Winnie
The wonderful thing about Winnie

Is Winnie's a bounceable dog

Her legs are long and quite skinny

She can bounce, she can run, she can jog.

She's bouncy, leapy, then she's sleepy.

Her legs are just a blur

But the most wonderful thing about Winnie is simply that she's her.

Jazzi and Addy
Addy and I loved to run and play and bounce around. One of our favorite games, was to run and chase each other around the house. Our main floor has a big square so we would run around the square several times and then we each took a leaping bounce from about 2-3 ft from the love seat and land right smack on our love seat.

Addy: Wait Jazzi, I don't think it was exactly 3 feet for you, I mean you aren't even 3 ft long!! Maybe more like 1 ft.

Jazzi: Hey!! I am telling the story here Miss Dogzilla! You just pipe down over there!!

Addy: Well, I think you should just be accurate, lol

Jazzi: yah ok. Anyway we bounced so hard on it, that the love seat would bounce back on its back legs and then make a BIG clunk when it hit the floor again!! bol. We would bounce right back off, take off running again. I would chase Addy cuz she is scared of me

Addy: Oh NO, you did not just say that Jazzi!! I am by NO means scared of You. PLEAZE!!!! If anything, you run from me cuz you know that I will getcha!! You do know that I could sit on you Jazzi?

Jazzi: (yawn) really??? (she really is scared, she just doesn't want to admit it)

After we switched turns, we would do it all over again and we had a blast!! It did drive Mom nuts but we didn't care, cuz we have tons of fun bouncing on and off of the love seat BOL!!! (We don't have a picture of the actual bounce but this is us after the bounce on our love seat.)

Jazzi
Seeing how this is the Olympics, I can do a Standing Bounce!! It is tricky to do and takes time to get it just right.

I stand or sit on the Living room floor and Mom sits there and asks, Jazzi, do you want a treat? I reply by Barking. 

Now when I Bark, my front paws both bounce off of the floor. It must be very entertaining because Mom sits there and laughs like crazy. Alls I know is that it gets me a treat and that's all I am interested in. Hey! A girl has to worry about the important things right??

Addy

As you all might remember, when I lived with Jazzi, I discovered that the grand-peeps had a trampoline. Jazzi in all her bossiness tried to get my not to go on it. Well...as usuaI I didnt listen to her, bol. I went ahead and got on it with the grand-peeps. As they bounced, I bounced and I went so high in the air. I actually think that all my paws were in the air at the same time and it was so much fun. I could feel the air on my face and my ears flopped all around when I bounced. I even took my toy with me and jumped with it in my mouth. I enjoyed it so much that when they were on it bouncing, I was right there bouncing with them and having the time of my life. Just call me the Bouncing Addy!!

Team Beaglebratz
Neither of us Beaglebratz due much bouncin’BUTT I, the Diva Shasta duz a little I guess.  When there iz sumthin’out in the yard that me an’brudder Shiloh go chasin’it – sumtimez when I am runnin’an’az I start slowin’down, then I kinda start duin’sorta bounce on my pawz.  It iz really kinda of a run, hop-bounce – mom sez it’z kinda like I’m slowin’down my runnin’an’start bouncin’up an’down butt I am still movin’forward a little – Shiloh duzn’t due this.

I, the Diva Shasta, just feel so furry much happy when I due this - an'I know that whatever I am chasin'iz furry much impressed an'a little scared cuz I am showin'my tail held furry much straight up like I AM the boss an'nobuddy better mess with me.

I did include a pikchure of me restin'up AFTER I bin out in the yard duin'my run-hop-bounce chase.

THE END!

Don't forget to check out all the other wonderful events in our very own Pet Blogging Olympics.

The limits of science...(Boffin admits defeat)

Finally, we come to the results of my 'Science of Human Behaviour' project (for background, see 1st July post).

I have to tell you that when I first embarked on this study, Gail was a bit uneasy, saying "I hope you realise that you have chosen a very complicated subject Bertie, I fear you might have bitten off more than you can chew".

Well I reminded her that I have, I believe, an infinite capacity for chewing, so that really shouldn't be a problem. 

One month later, I have come to the conclusion that Gail was right and I am having to eat my own words....

Oh you have no idea how hard it has been, trying to make sense of all the fascinating reports you kindly sent me about the behaviour of the humans in your household. 

My starting point, naturally, was a sociobiological perspective. Surely, I thought, all human actions can be interpreted in Darwinian terms as evolutionary aids to survival.

To render the data more manageable, my first step was to divide it into broad categories. By and large this worked, and most of the reported behaviours fell into one of the following four groups.

Group A: Human exhibiting meanness to dog (e.g. withholding the tastiest food) 

Group B: Human ignoring dog (e.g. by going to work or to the gym)

Group C: Poor logic shown by human (e.g. shaving off their own furs then complaining of the cold)

Group D: Extreme excitement or distress of human when sport is on TV (you should have seen Gail watching the Tour de France last weekend...)

So far so good.

But then I tried to work out the adaptive rationale behind all these behaviours, and started to lose confidence.

Can one explain the human urge to spend time dressing up their pup in cute frocks in terms of the survival of the fittest? What has refusing to share a cheeseburger with your dog to do with altruism? Can there really be a 'selfish gene' for not allowing a pet enough computer time? 

Feeling quite overwhelmed, I confided in my neighbour Jake. It seems I asked the right dog. 

Jake tells me he knows all about human behaviour 'cos he shares a household with a nearly qualified Jungian psychotherapist! 

So, I learn it was a big mistake ever to imagine that the reductive, mechanistic methods of scientific analysis would be the right approach. Apparently what most of the respondents to my survey will need, for their behaviour to be understood, is years of (expensive) individual therapy in which their subconscious can be thoroughly scrutinised and their dream world subject to in depth exploration. 

Oh and Jake tells me he'll accept gravy bones as commission for every new client he brings to his human.

As for me, I have decided in future to stick to the natural sciences.

PS Remember it's my Olympic Bouncing Event on Sunday. You will absolutely love all the entries, I promise!