Gifts for humans - a case history

Readers, before I go any further, I want you to reassure you I am aware, as a proper grown-up dog, that not all presents are meant for me. I do understand it is appropriate that Gail too should receive gifts from time to time.

But you will, I think, allow me to express an opinion about what is or is not a suitable gift for a human, and this is the subject of today's blog post.

I shall put forward my argument in the form of a case study. It concerns two presents Gail has been given by friends who have several times enjoyed the use of our Torridon cottage. To save embarrassment, I shall use only the initials of these friends.

The first present, from 'F' and 'A', was a hand-built sea kayak. This is an example of an unsuitable gift. Long time readers of this blog may remember me expressing my concerns about Gail's new kayak last October. Well. Now that the Scottish so-called 'summer' is upon us Gail has again been venturing out in this flimsiest of craft. Lest you think me selfish for disapproving of a toy that results in me being left alone onshore, let me point out it is merely Gail's welfare I have at heart. Do you know how windy it can be, even in June, how high the waves, even in a supposedly sheltered sea loch, how strong the tidal currents, and how cold the water, despite the purportedly warming effect of the Gulf Stream. And how low in the water a sea kayak is, and how vulnerable to being up-ended by a basking shark?

And how lonely I would be if Gail were 'lost at sea'.....

By contrast, the second present, a redwood garden bench from 'M' and 'J', is, I believe, an excellent example of an entirely suitable gift. It is substantial, aesthetically pleasing and most importantly designed to stay on solid ground - in this case in the front garden of the cottage - and be sat on. It encourages the humans to relax outside, safely enjoying the view of Loch Torridon without any danger of drowning. They may be tempted to consume their meals while sitting on the bench, and as we know, when humans dine outdoors, especially when they have already enjoyed a glass of wine or two prior to eating, they become a little more, shall we say casual, about their manners, with a subsequent increase in foraging opportunities for the alert canine.

A perfect gift indeed.

So readers, in particular those of you contemplating the purchase of a present for a human friend or relative, I hope you will stop a while and ponder the lessons from today's little case study, and make sure you chose wisely and well.

PS Watch out for the invitation to take part in my unique Blogville Olympics Bouncing Event, which I'll be posting this coming weekend!

As if the bicycle were not bad enough (Bertie has a wee rant)

I knew my readers were smart!

Yes, several of you guessed correctly. The cloud on the horizon referred to on Monday's post was indeed Gail's new ONE PERSON sea kayak.

Oh if only I had had the chance to discuss matters with Gail before the kayak was finished.

See, I found this picture on the internet:

And this one:

I cannot imagine why I was not thought of. I mean, it isn't as if it is a shop bought kayak even. Gail keeps telling me how Florian, who built the vessel from a design by Thomas Yost, is a most wonderful craftsman. Well Florian, I have to tell you, I'm not convinced. I mean, if you really were such a 'Handwerksmeister' (he's German you know) then you could easily have put in a berth for a wee wire-haired fox terrier could you not? After all, ich bin ganz klein. Nur acht Kilogramm. Kein Problem für einen sogenannten Handwerksmeister, glaube ich!

Huh!

What's that Gail? You're saying I'd have to wear a life jacket and a 'skirt', which wouldn't suit a dog that can barely tolerate a bandana?  Oh don't be ridiculous. I don't see those fine pups in the photos above sporting any kind of strange get-up.

Friends, it is so tiresome to live with a human who has hobbies. Just when I thought the whole bicycling thing was the final straw.

And no I am not "making a fuss about nothing". In fact, I've barely even started...

As if it were not hurtful enough that Gail should want to venture on to Loch Torridon without me, separated from the chilly salt water only by a piece of PVC glued onto a skinny wooden frame, now I learn the reason she wants to do this.

Otters. Seals. Puffins. Dolphins and porpoises. Yes that's right. She wants to look at OTHER ANIMALS out there on the sea loch.

Now I'm a tolerant sort of a chap. Wire-haired fox terriers are few and far between in Northern Scotland so I can accept that Gail might want to cast a glance at different type of terrier every now and then. Just to reassure herself of my own exceptional handsomeness, you understand. And I act quite good natured (despite seething inside) when she goes all weak the knees at the sight of an Alaskan Malamute. But really, is it necessary to look beyond the species Canis lupus familiaris when we are so many and so varied?

Well there is no other option. If you can't beat 'em join 'em.

Gail, please stop harping on about tedious irrelevances like "but you won't even go near water normally Bertie".

I am going to write to Florian and request my own personally designed sea kayak. And yes I do realise that doggy paddle is nothing to do with propelling a canoe.  I shall, naturally, be expecting Gail to give me a tow.

Now let me see, where's the German dictionary...?

Sehr geehrter Herr Florian,
ich hätte gern ein schönes Seekajak für einen kleinen Hund der vom Wasser ein bißchen Angst hat...

A cloud on the horizon...?

It might seem to you, looking at these photos taken last weekend over in Torridon, that I was having a simply splendid time with Gail and her friends.

Well that was true, up to a point, I suppose.

But there was one new development that I am really not at all happy about.

I can't tell you more just now, 'cos Gail is extra busy this week and she says she won't be able to help me with my typing for a few days. But take a close look at the pictures below, and perhaps you can guess what might be worrying me?

Posing in front of Slioch

Breakfast time, and some new admirers: Angela, Sebastian and Alexander 

 I agree with Gail. Monopoly IS boring.....

Supervising Florian, as he puts the finishing touches to Gail's new sea kayak

Florian takes the new kayak (which he built from scratch!) on its maiden voyage

Don't go too far out across Loch Torridon, Florian, it's getting dark!

One can lose patience posing, even with the nicest of families

Sometimes it's best just to hide in the undergrowth

Can you believe Gail threw me into Loch Maree at the end of this walk?

At least all is well when I'm with my new best friend Sebastian

To be continued.....

A musical interlude in Torridon

Sorry I haven’t been in touch much these last few days.

You see, we were over in Torridon. It’s been an interesting time.

I have been discovering that information from Gail is not always to be relied upon…

During the drive West on Wednesday, Gail told me that this Wind Quintet from the Netherlands (the Anemos Arts Ensemble) were coming over to give a concert in the local Community Centre and that they would all be staying in our cottage for the week. Well that much was true.

She went on and on about how I would have to mind my P’s and Q’s because these classical musicians would certainly be very prim and proper. But they look quite relaxed and normal when performing an afternoon concert for the local school children, don’t you think?

I was told that they would likely bring along only high-minded and intellectually stimulating reading material. But this is what I found on the coffee table in the cottage. Believe me, Gail never would buy magazines this interesting…

I was also told that I wouldn’t be allowed within a mile of all the precious musical instruments. But in fact I was given permission to stand on the table to get a closer look.

(I wanted Gail to take the photo with the instruments outside the cottage, but Sander was worried that it would be too cold for his oboe. An ‘interesting’ excuse for staying inside in the warmth, if ever I heard one.)

Gail said that the quintet would be very wary of letting me anywhere near their delicate and sensitive musicians’ hands. But French horn player Cleo was well up for a scrap…

Gail also said we were to expect a clean living and abstemious group, who would always go to bed early and not stay up late after the evening concert and demonstrate levitation phenomena and make rude jokes about Dutch horse breeders. 

Oh well, I guess the whisky, wine and beer bottles emptied themselves then…With no help at all from Karel the clarinettist or any one else…

Only orange man Lucas the bassoon player went to bed early. No doubt to contemplate the final of last summer’s soccer World Cup.

  

I do, by the way, resent Gail’s suggestion that it’s me that’s looking a bit squiffy in this next picture.  What you see here is the mature expression of dog who has just this week figured out how to cock his leg in a truly grown up and masculine fashion.

Oh and another thing. I don’t know if you noticed a rather strange new object leaning against the wall in the back of the photo of the Wind Quintet and their instruments.

Look here it is again, without anyone in the way.

This, Gail says, is a hand-crafted sea kayak, a gift to Gail from the musicians, for letting them stay in our cottage two years running.

Now I’m no great boatbuilding expert, but, well er, it doesn’t exactly look seaworthy, does it. Do you think we’ve been had….?

Gail here: I feel duty bound to explain that the wooden sea kayak frame was in fact made by flautist Angela’s wonderful husband Florian, also a musician although not one of the Quintet, and that he has promised to come over to Torridon next year and give the kayak its ‘skin’!

Oh. Well then, can I just add, Florian, that I am an Earth Dog, and have no intention of boarding any kind of a kayak, with or without holes in it, and as far as I am concerned, you can take as long as you like to finish it, as one thing is for certain, time Gail spends in the kayak will be time diverted from her primary duty of paying attention to me.

Anyway, moving on.

After the musicians had departed, Gail and I went for a long walk to Coire Mhic Fhearchair, round the back of Beinn Eighe. It was very windy and scary at the corrie, and on the way up there was a nasty stream crossing with stepping stones, which Gail kindly carried me across (as I said earlier, I don’t do water). 

We’ve had enough words today, so here are some pictures from the walk.

I am still waiting for that cheque from the Tourist Board.