Watch out for the giant pandas...

Oh gosh Gail, I see you have a new pair of socks. And might I say, what an excellent design. I'm guessing they were a gift?

Your guess is spot on Bertie. A Christmas present from my friends John and Françoise in fact. Wasn't that thoughtful of them? The are super comfortable too, being made from a blend of cotton and bamboo.

Bamboo! But Gail, that is what giant pandas eat, is it not? Oh no, I'm so worried! What if you ran into a panda and it attacked you for your socks? Just think, Tian Tian and Yang Guang in Edinburgh Zoo might at any time escape and head north, and they would obviously be very hungry after rampaging up the (bamboo free) A90 for over a hundred miles...

Bertie, you are being ridiculous! The only panda we are likely to see in Aberdeen is 'Panda', my childhood toy, who is sitting on the mantelpiece. 

Hmmmm. I hope this is true Gail. And by the way, I'm thinking you weren't the most creative child when it came to naming your toys, were you? You had two teddy bears, Mr and Mrs Teddy, I believe. And a lamb named Lambkin, and a golliwog (which, may I remind you, is very politically incorrect these days) known as Golly?

Right, as always, Bertie!

Pandas prompt a touch of inter-species jealousy

I don't know about you but I am fed up to the back teeth with all the gushing media coverage about the new arrivals at Edinburgh Zoo.

So giant pandas TianTian and Yang Guang, aka Sweetie and Sunshine, arrived here in Scotland on Sunday morning, all the way from Beijing on their own private jet, having apparently enjoyed inflight meals of bamboo, apples, carrots, a 'special panda cake' and mineral water. The zoo will be paying China the princely sum of a million dollars a year for the privilege of housing the pair. An enclosure specially built for the spoilt brats honoured guests has cost more than a flat in Edinburgh New Town.

What's the big deal about giant pandas anyway? Why do humans make such a fuss over them?

It can't be their sophisticated taste buds. (More bamboo, anyone?) They don't exactly have interesting sex lives. (Once a year, if Yang Guang's lucky, by all accounts.) And you can see eyes like that all over Glasgow any morning after an Old Firm game. (Gail says this last comment is in dubious taste, and reflects badly on Scotland.)

And no it is not that I, as a wire-haired fox terrier, am simply jealous of a rival species that beats even me in the 'looking like a cute toy' stakes. Nor that I envy TianTian and Yang Guang their £70,000 annual food budget.

It's just, oh I don't know, pandas don't do anything. They lead such boring lives. I mean, imagine a panda's blog.

Day 1 - ate bamboo
Day 2 - ate more bamboo
Day 3 - ate more bamboo
and so on until perhaps
Day 300 - thought about sex
Day 301 - went off the idea and ate bamboo instead.