Torridon Forestry Report for Mike

I have been on an important mission these last few days, for which I hope to be handsomely rewarded.

Let me explain the context.

Do you remember my friends border terrier Bonnie and poodle Jack? They live just down the street from me with their humans Mike and Kirsty.

Well Mike is contemplating buying some land on the island of Islay (Kirsty's home territory) and planting a forest there, comprising only native Scottish trees. Apparently you can get government grants for this sort of thing.

As you may be aware, Islay is better known for whisky (Laphroaig, Lagavulin, Bowmore, Ardbeg, Bunnahabhain, Caol Ila etc.) than for forestry, and naturally, having heard of my very important ongoing role as Associate Webguide Volunteer for the VisitWoods project, Mike was keen to enlist my services as advisor to the new venture.

Well it just so happens that in the area around our Loch Torridon cottage, several similar woodland projects have taken root over the past decade. Torridon, like Islay, is on the west coast of Scotland and poses many of the same environmental challenges to the would-be forester - wet weather, low levels of sunlight, frequent gales, nutrient poor soils, biting midges...

So anyway, I decided to go over and inspect the progress of the trees planted on the north shore of Loch Torridon eight years ago, and compile a report for Mike. The results are presented below:

Bertie's report for Mike

First, I would like to point out that these plantations must all be fenced off so that sheep and deer cannot nibble away at the saplings. This is totally brilliant because it means that, within their boundaries I am always allowed off the lead and can run free. (Gail has this 'thing' about me running after sheep and deer). Of course, if all goes well, in a few years the woods will be populated with red squirrels and pine martens which are tremendous fun to chase is good as these are vulnerable species.


Secondly, as is clear from the photos below, even at a young age, the trees add texture and variety to the landscape. Thus humans enjoy going for walks in these new woodlands, which is always a positive from a canine perspective.




Furthermore, when the trees finally mature they form a partial canopy, kind of like an umbrella, and provide protection from stormy weather, thus eliminating at least one common human excuse for not exercising their dog(s). See this example from the Beinn Eighe Nature Reserve.


Thirdly, it appears that the new Torridon trees are thriving, in particular the Scots pines. Note that, for formal surveys, it is always useful to take along a wire-haired fox terrier, shoulder heights 43 cm, for scale.


Finally, all forests are of course a 'carbon sink', sucking carbon dioxide out of the air and so reducing the chances that Scotland will ever become too hot for a wire-haired fox terrier to enjoy year round romps over our beautiful countryside.


So, in conclusion, these new areas of native woodland are great for dogs and the more we plant the better.

My recommendation is that the Islay forest project should proceed as soon as it is practicable to arrange for Bonnie, Jack and me to travel over to the island to supervise. Am I right in understanding that dogs go for free on the ferry? Oh and I believe that Gail would like to come to, she mentioned something about a distillery visit....

THE END

Well, I think Mike should be pleased with this comprehensive report, don't you? I wonder how much I should charge him?

What's that? Gail is saying that I have neglected the first rule of report writing for clients, which is, apparently, writing about things that are important to them, rather than focussing on one's own priorities. And that I will be fortunate to earn a single dog biscuit for my efforts, much less an expenses paid trip to Islay...

A walk on the wild side...

You know how it is when you're given a promotion at work?

You think, isn't it great! Finally, I'll be trusted to get on with things by myself, to work independently, with no more too close supervision and irritating micro-management.

Life can be so disappointing.

You will all be aware by now that I was recently elevated from 'Assistant' to 'Associate' Webguide Volunteer for the VisitWoods Scotland project.

And you may remember that Gail and I have already had 'issues' about what that means in terms of who gets to choose which woods we visit.

Nonetheless, I have been operating under the entirely reasonable assumption that an Associate should be allowed to conduct his own inspections of local woods without the need for a hectoring human in close proximity.

We arrived at the entrance to Dunnottar Woods last Friday.

Oh it didn't take long to realise that there was plenty here worth checking out.

And then I caught a whiff of something most interesting in the dense undergrowth.

In such circumstances, I believe I am contractually obliged to conduct a thorough follow-up investigation. 

Look, remember I am an Associate now.

Really Gail made a most ridiculous fuss when she lost sight of me for a few minutes. I can scarcely bear to tell you what happened next, it is so humiliating.

She actually went and spoke to some other humans who were out walking their dogs, and asked if they'd seen a wire-haired fox terrier anywhere. She was on the point of giving them her mobile phone number when I ran back to tell her all about the red squirrels, rabbits and deer that I'd seen, and the wonderful, just wonderful foxy aroma that I simply had to follow through the ferns to the furthest reaches of the wood.

But instead of being impressed, Gail just clamped on my lead - the horror - and said firmly, "that's quite enough independence for today, my wee mannie, you're staying right by my side all the way back to the car". 

As if the promotion had never happened. 

Maybe some woods are not worth visiting..?

Hey Gail! Now that I have been officially promoted to Associate VisitWoods Web Guide, I think I should take some responsibility for deciding which woods we inspect.

OK then Bertie, that's fine with me. We have some free time this afternoon. Where would you like to go?


Well Gail, I checked on the VisitWoods website, and was surprised to find that there is no information yet about the wood nearest to our home, St Fitticks Community Woodland. Look, see, there on the map, it's listed as being only 1.4 miles away, so perhaps we could walk from here?

Oh Bertie, I fear there may be good reasons for the lack of information. I see that it's very small, and is right next to that smelly waste treatment plant....


A smelly waste treatment plant! Whoopee! Oh that sounds right up my street. Come on, where's my lead?

(Gail sighs, and fetches the lead). 

Bertie, if we absolutely must visit this wood, can we at least go via the harbour and round by the coast? It's a longer walk, but more varied and we won't then have to go through the really ugly housing estate.


A longer walk? Super! Off we jolly well go!

First we take a shortcut round the back of our Aberdeen neighbours' houses.


They do look a bit smarter from the front.

The shortcut takes us down to the River Dee. See how patiently I wait at the road crossing (despite there being no cars).

On the other side of the river I race the Aberdeen Rowing Club.

We're at the harbour in no time at all.

Sadly, dogs aren't allowed in the oil field supply base so we have to walk round behind it.

Soon enough we come to a little beach at the mouth of the harbour.

The harbour mouth is where the local bottlenose dolphins hang out, but we can't spot any today. I think the sea is too rough.

Further round the headland, we go past the lighthouse.

And a half a mile later, we've arrived at our destination!

Er, yes. Those sticks are part of the St Fitticks Community Woodland, apparently. And that's the landfill and waste treatment site behind. Disappointingly odour free today...

I guess Gail does have a point about the ugly housing...

But the 'wood' has one or two pretty corners with bigger trees, if you look hard enough.

We take a different route back, and after a short stretch through the housing scheme and across a busy road, we end up in more green space, south of the Dee.

Then it's back across the river and into Duthie Park. Lots of 'my' park is still fenced off due to the ongoing restoration project.

But at least the kiddies' playground is still open and busy.

Finally we're home. That's my house on the right, behind my Mini.

Well I thought it was a great wee expedition, but Gail is saying she's going to retain rights of veto on my future woodland choices.

Can that be fair?

Trials and tribulations of a VisitWoods Guide

I am such a hard working and conscientious chappie. On Saturday I once again assisted in an inspection of a local wood: Countesswells this time.

I examined the footpaths for any irregular odours.

I conducted a thorough review of the forestry operations.

I saw to it that the place was tidy.

I politely greeted the other visitors, whatever their shape or size.

Oh but Gail really does need keeping an eye on.

If you think my paws were muddy by the end of the visit...

You should have seen hers....

PS Some health and safety advice from Gail: when stepping backwards to achieve the perfect camera angle for a photo of your (muddy) dog, always remember there's a reason he might be muddy...

Bertie needs to calm down...

"The unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable" is how Oscar Wilde characterised the sport of fox hunting. (As a fox terrier, I know about these things.)

Might I suggest that this week's spat between Donald Trump and Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond, is a case of the 'speaks to much' in pursuit of the 'eats too much'.

And that both these gentlemen are flattered by a comparison with their doggy lookalikes.

Grrrrrh. Some things make a chap cross. I think it's time I found another wood to visit, to help me calm down.

 Tyrebagger Wood - a good place to de-stress

PS Gail says to tell you thank you dear readers for all your comments on yesterday's post. I vote for liver treats strewn across the back lawn! (As suggested by Riley's mum).

Ashentilly Wood: mud, mud, glorious mud...

Well I was so keen to get going with my new AWGV* job, I said to Gail, look we can't wait until it's sunny, after all this is Scotland, we might be waiting, like, forever.


Finally she relented and we went, during a pause between heavy downpours, to investigate Ashentilly Wood, ten miles out of Aberdeen and just off the South Deeside road.

Now some friends have been trying to advise me on how to go about my new role. Advice which I considered and then rejected. (Apparently a friend of Gail's once described her as having an 'advice resistant personality type' and happily this is a trait we share).

Bossy Stella told me to "just try not to get carried away with your opinions". No opinions? Me? Can you imagine? Quite ridiculous. Stella, that's like telling the Tea Party in the USA to try to be tolerant for a change. Or George Osborne telling UK voters that "we're all in it together"....

I want you to know I consider it my role to provide the op-ed counterpart to the boring fact-based report Gail writes on the VisitWoods website. Clear?

Anyway, back to the woods.

I did come close to acting on Deccy's intriguing suggestion to pee only on yellow flowers. Too close in fact. Deccy have you any idea how prickly a gorse bush feels on the bum? Oh you do. It was a practical joke. I get it. Hardy har. Not.


Personally I find that a delicate cluster of wood sorrel provides a more pleasing 'facility'.

A mossy bank by the side of the track is just fine too.


Isn't it strange though, and rather sad, how humans seem to miss out completely on the best aspects of a wood.

One can have so much fun negotiating the muddiest paths ...

And rolling around in the less delicately scented woodland offerings. (Believe me friends, this isn't mud...)

But I absolutely can't agree with Gail that it is a plus point when a wood has a clear running stream just close to the car park...

...where a dog can be immersed in near freezing water and "cleaned up a bit" prior to being transported home.

*AWGV - Assistant Web Guide Volunteer for the VisitWoods project. See also previous post.