Thursday 5 July 2012

To Pee or not to Pee (the dogs' dilemma)

Sorry, bitches (I hope that is an acceptable form of address for my lady dog friends, one has to be so careful these days) but today I am going to tackle a topic which is primarily of concern to those of us of the leg-cocking gender.

Perhaps there are some readers who are unaware of the difficult bladder-related decisions that the male dog faces when out for his daily walk. To be pee or not to be pee, that is the question. 

You probably imagine we just stroll out of the house without a care in the world, no native hue of resolution...sicklied over with the pale cast of thought, and casually lift our leg against the nearest lamppost or tree, and that's all there is to it.

Oh how wrong you are.

Hamlet himself would have considered it outrageous fortune that we are confronted with such a sea of troubles when it comes to the business of urinating. Their currents turn awry doesn't even begin to describe it.

One one hand, we know that we are supposed, by the end of the walk, to have emptied our bladder. A full bladder being, of course one of the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to. But on the other hand, who can tell how many times during that same walk, we will feel the compulsion to mark our territory? And we all know there's nothing make's a dog grunt and sweat under a weary life more than firing pee-mail blanks, as it were.

Ay, there's the rub.

It is, I admit, a bit easier when one has an established routine, and can carefully calibrate one's output.

The problem comes if, like me, you live with a human who enjoys exploring the undiscover'd country. So you have no idea when you set out, how long the walk will be, nor lie of the land. How then is a dog to determine his volume and frequency of releases?

Now please, girls, stop your sniggering!

I speak here of enterprises of great pith and moment.
Oh. Apparently I need to apologise to Mr William Shakespeare...

PS Many thanks for your amazing responses to my previous post. Boy have you set me some tough challenges!


  1. Excuse me I gotta go pee.

  2. hey Bertie,

    BOL! You addressed a very sensitive topic with humor and grace. Bravo! And I am sure Wm. Shakespeare would be pleased that he was able to assist you and that you used his words so cleverly.

    I agree that it can be very tough for us males not knowing how long our jaunts will be. And it is especially disheartening when, after the end of a particularly long walk, one comes across a pee-mail from a lovely lass that one just must respond to but, alas, the bladder is long emptied. What is a male to do?


    P.S. I was a bit late so I hope you saw that I did ask you some questions in your last post. :->

  3. That is a huge problem. We just leave some pee-mail so it doesn't really matter.

    XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

    Maybe you should take water with you.

  4. A very funny Pee-mail Post! Have a happy Thursday!
    Best wishes Molly

  5. The real question is 'How high can you pee?' It's not the quantity, but rather the residue's ability to remain the prime news of the day. The higher the better!
    Poor Dashunds!
    ps. You are a most amusing blogger...
    "Boffin Bertie" always prompts a smile...thank you!

  6. That is truly the central qustion of all male dogs lives, Tubby in particular wrestles with it daily

    urban hounds

  7. Oh BERTIE Buddy... you have HIT the Spot on THIS one. I have had this happen many times.. It is horrid to come to a Prime Location.. and Cock the Pee Shooter and then to have a dreaded MIS FIRE.
    Of course it is TOTALLY the fault of our PEEPS. THEY are the ones who should be warning US to PACE our Pees. Do they??? NO !!
    Totally UNFAIR and Excessively RUDE of THEM not to ASSist us in our most important issue.
    PeeS... Ernie is just not Trying to LEARN to be a Cock of the Walk. I (Frankie Furter) however am a Master of the pawcedure... EXCEPT fur the Pacing and Reserving pawt. Which as I said.. is THEIR fault fur not tellin me how FAR I need to Stretch the Ammo..

  8. .,oh that's too funny Bertie.,

    well, well, have a great day.,

  9. You're so right, buddy, I can't believe no one has addressed this very important issue before. Do you know my secret? No matter how we change the rest of our walk, the last stretch up to the house is always the same. So I have My Spot that I can empty anything remaining on!

  10. And all this time I thought I was just going out to pee. I didn't really put all this thought behind it, BOL
    Benny & Lily

  11. I say pee away!!! It's our job to, don't you think!?

  12. Bertie I is sure yous daily outings is filled with such reflections as posted BUT I can tell yous my brothers do NOT has this much thought (or mebbe any thought) and just let loose wherever nature has left thems a tree or bush.

    Sugar the Who

  13. Now, don't you go assuming 'we' girls (no pun intended) can't cock a leg with the best of you boys!

    I confuse people on my walks but it's quite simple. I squat when it's a serious 'need to empty my bladder' pee at the start of the walk and then when there are pee-mails to reply to I cock my leg.

    But you make a good point abut not knowing in advance how much to save in the tank. If you work out an answer please let me know.

    Love and licks, Winnie

  14. Hey! We girlies have the same problem! I have to send ALOT of pee-mail! By the middle of my walkie, I'm usually bone don't assume that us bitches don't have the very same problem! I know I'm not alone in this ladies......
    Okay, maybe I'm just odd. That's what Ma says, anyway.



  15. Bertie, have you thought of getting your mom to carry extra water for you in the eventuality that you may 'run dry'. An extra container of water will keep you well and truly hydrated so that you will not need to worry about the length of the walk. Also, having your human carry the extra water gives her a job to do while out walking so she doesn't feel so left out.

    Sam and Pippen

  16. You and Toby hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Quantity matters, but so does height. Jed has been known to stand on his tippy toes in 'the public square' while he sometimes pees like a puppy in the privacy and comfort of his own backyard. Don't tell him I squealed. Being a lady, I'm more interested in reading pee-mail and gathering intel and less obsessed with revealing info, although I do leave enough pee-mail to be polite.


  17. Oh , you put to much into it, made my head hurt thinking about peeing. I always just save some a go as needed.


  18. Where did my comment go? OK Ill try pawing this again.


    "To thine own self be true" unless you are like my companion Enzo who just has to lift his leg at a ratio of thirty times to every leg lift I do when we go out. He uses the theory that a little often goes a long way.

    Now a wee confession... until Enzo arrived I never lifted my leg! Yes, even at four years old I thought why stand on three legs when you are more balanced with four? The young pup has changed my ways and I find myself now having to balance on three legs even when we are at home (as I see him watching for my example of how a male dog should do things) but it would exhaust me to keeping up with his (or your) abilites when we go out in public.


  19. Hahaha Best blog post we've read today! Malach is only a puppy so he doesn't lift the leg YET, but his bits just fell off so it's gonna be for soon...
    Lots of slobber,
    Indigo the Great Dane

  20. SOMEONE understands... us boy dogs have been feeling that way for ages. Its not so easy being us.

  21. Yes, it IS all so complicated! We can pee on weeds, but not flowers. Car tires are off limits and garden to remember the rules, when your bladder is full?