Can you see me here in the window anxiously waiting* for Gail to return from a weekend in London?
Foolishly (given bitter past experience), I was expecting a present.
I mean normal people come home from jaunts to the Big Smoke clutching a colourful array of shopping bags, and if they are dog owners they will surely have been tempted into buying some special and exclusive 'not available in Scotland' treats and toys for their Best Beloved. Am I right?
I think you can tell where this is heading...
The sum total of Gail's putative credit card extravaganza was this:
One postcard. Yes, ONE POSTCARD! And it's not even a picture of London. Or a dog.
So it seems Gail had met up with a friend on Saturday and visited the very popular 'Frida Kahlo: Making Herself Up' exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum, along with a surprisingly large number of Frida fans who were expressing their devotion by dressing up as their heroine.
You know, I myself have done a little research in Ms Kahlo (can I remind you, Boffins don't always have to stick to science) and I have discovered that dogs feature in several of her paintings. No mind that they were those funny little hairless Itxcuintlis - a breed rarely seen in Scotland - I feel rather offended that Gail did not scour the V&A gift shop for a one of these pictures.
My google-based research also turned up a tutorial on how to make your very own Frida Kahlo dog costume. Oh how grateful I am that Gail's needlework skills are limited to sewing on buttons.....
After the exhibition, I gather Gail went to a schoolfriend's 60th birthday party and wore, as requested on the invitation, a sparkly dress. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NOT BEEN PROVIDED WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THIS UNHEARD OF EVENT!!!
So, I'm sorry my friends, but no treats and no sparkly frocks today. In fact all Gail had to show me was a nostalgic photo she took of the institution, hard by the Victoria and Albert, where in 1982-3 she spent many hours attempting to digest blackboard after blackboard crammed with differential equations expressing the fundamentals of geophysics. Happy days!
*Gail says: Please rest assured Bertie spent most of the weekend with neighbours Neil and Yvonne, being introduced to new foodstuffs and generally spoilt rotten.