A Day in the Life of the Perfect Dog

A recent post from my blog friends Bob and Sophie has had Gail wondering what it would be like to own a perfectly behaved dog.

So I, Bertie, am going to conduct a thought experiment today, imagining a blog post describing a day in the life of such a dog.

Here goes:

Woke up. Realised that my owner was still fast asleep and so lay still for a while to avoid disturbing her.

Waited patiently until she had prepared her own breakfast, and when mine arrived, ate my kibble at a moderate pace, ensuring no food was caught in my beard, and delicately sipped my water without spilling any on the floor.

Played gently with favourite toy until my owner was ready to take me for a walk. Sat quietly and did not bark in frustration as she donned the many layers necessary for a winter walk in Scotland.

Perfect dog waits patiently for his walk 

Also did not bark as I walked down the street, out of consideration for the residents who were still asleep. Maintained a brisk pace en route to the park, despite a plethora of interesting smells, knowing that my owner gets irritated if I stop too much.

Once at the park, carefully evacuated bowels in a neat heap right under the dog waste bin, then ran free, but didn't stray far and always listened out should my owner want to recall me to her side. On observing a large and grumpy dog, steered well clear, as discretion is the better part of valour. Then played nicely with some dogs of roughly my own size and never ever growled at any young, tiny or submissive pups. Walked carefully around any dirty puddles, striving hard at all times to keep paws mud-free.

Back home, sat peacefully on my bed and later refrained from giving my owner the 'You should feel really guilty for leaving me as I shall be quite desolate without you' face when she went to work for a few hours.

On my owner's return, ran up and greeted her to let her know she is the most wonderful person in the world, but somehow did this without conveying any hint of neediness.

Settled down again, stayed in the same room as owner except when she visited the bathroom, as the perfect dog knows that humans do not necessarily appreciate being accompanied to the bathroom.

Noticed that owner had left some lamb chops in a shopping bag on the floor, but of course ignored them, aware they were not intended for me...

Oh what's that Gail? You're saying the post is getting quite preposterous, as well as long-winded and boring? 

Well anyway who ever would want to read about a perfectly-behaved dog....