Good morning friends! I come to you today with some important news.
I have obtained, from a highly reputable 'source', a secret dossier revealing how the government plans to make Scotland resilient to global warming, in the context of recent highly confidential models showing that hot and sunny sub-tropical weather conditions are expected to become the norm north of the border within the next five years.
The key points of the climate resilience plan are summarised below:
- Vast arrays of solar panels are to be constructed on land previously set aside for wind turbines in the Outer Hebrides and Shetland Isles.
- A nationwide workforce of assessors will be deployed to measure the baseline skin tone of all residents, and those rated as 'peely-wally' or lighter will receive a vat of government issue Factor 50 sunscreen each month. Redheads and those with freckles will also qualify.
- A review of the Scottish diet will be initiated, and food laboratories are already working on producing barbecue-friendly versions of haggis and stovies, plus new Scots-friendly ice cream flavours e.g. porridge and deep fried Mars bar.
- Funding priorities for Olympic sports are to be revised, and the curling team is to be re-trained in beach volleyball.
- Lessons in the art of small talk are to form part of the school curriculum now that the phrases 'I wonder when it will stop raining' and 'it's pure Baltic' are no longer applicable and words such a 'dreich' are redundant.
- Training places for dentists will be increased as it is predicted that a pandemic of sun-induced happiness will cause the citizens to start smiling more often, thus revealing the woeful state of the nation's teeth...
- For those humans and dogs who cannot cope with the rapid change in climate, a stay in a special retreat where you can stand in a mudbath, wearing full waterproofs, with a hose of icy water directed horizontally in your face, will be available on prescription.
- A special dog breeding programme has been initiated, crossing Scotties with one of the hairless breeds, the aim being to develop a terrier, provisionally named the Xolottie, that can better withstand the heat.
- A new scheme will allow humans to trade in their winter coats, gloves and wooly hats in exchange for skimpy bikinis and speedos to wear on the newly palm-fringed Aberdeen beach, where our present and former Scottish First Ministers Nicola and Alex are secretly planning to hold a Hawaiian style wedding, once their respective divorces come through.
- The wedding is expected to take place in exactly one year's time.
Er Gail, please remind me what's today's date.....
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| Calendar courtesy of dear friend YAM-Aunty |
