A complaint about the BBC's Jubilee Pageant coverage

Dear Head of the BBC,

It comes to something, doesn't it, when a ninety year old man with Alzheimer's disease can provide a more interesting commentary than all your finest and most highly paid 'presenters'. Not only was the BBC's coverage of the Jubilee Pageant on the River Thames absolutely lamentable (even wetter than the London weather), as many have already noted, but worse, it was insulting to dogs, a fact that has so far been mysteriously overlooked.

On behalf of my owner Gail and her parents, I would like to claim a refund of their licence fees.

So there I was, relaxing on the sofa on Sunday afternoon, looking forward to an afternoon with the human grandparents, watching the river pageant on TV, prepared for their sake cheerfully to put up with what might be thought an excess of grovelling deference to inherited privilege.

Well I have to tell you it wasn't at all long before Gail started grumbling about the way the BBC commentary team kept telling us that the flotilla was passing in front of so many 'iconic' buildings, without once telling us a single interesting fact about any of these buildings. Surely, the BBC is bursting at the seams with Oxbridge arts graduates who could have provided some more informative cultural context?

Well I just let all this wash over me, until it came to an interview on one of the historic boats in the flotilla, a Dutch barge. My eye was naturally drawn to the beautiful Keeshond sat between the boat's owners. Now this perfectly nice couple had just told the BBC presenter about how Keeshonds were bred to be barge dogs. Intriguing I thought, worth a water-related follow up question or two, perhaps. So imagine my disappointment when I heard the interviewer's inane and hurtful response.

"Fascinating, yes fascinating, and the dog looks just like my microphone".

Well a couple of hours later - it felt like days - it was announced that the planned finale, a Royal Navy helicopter fly past, was cancelled due to the appalling commentary conditions. Human Grandad (HGD) actually woke up at this point and said "I took part in a fly past of Buckingham Palace at the end of the war, did you know that?"

At last, something genuinely interesting.

I'm told that HGD's memory was once excellent, but sadly no longer, and words often elude him, but when Gail located the relevant page in his old RAF log book, more memories surfaced.

"Ah yes, it was Peace Day, 8th June 1946, shortly before I was demobbed. I was flying one of the six Mosquitos. We dipped our wings when we flew over the Palace. Beforehand, our Wing Commander was much more nervous about the whole event than he ever seemed to be when we were in action firing on German shipping."

So, Mr Head of BBC, I  have enclosed in this letter a picture of HGD in his RAF pilot's uniform, with his older brother Jack (a navigator in Bomber Command), taken when they were both on active service in Italy in 1944. I hope this serves as a reminder to you and your vacuous presenters, of what a true British Celebrity looks like.

Yours faithfully,
Bouncing Bertie,
Aberdeen.

PS I want to exempt the lovely Clare Balding from the criticisms above, as I do believe she is part puppy herself.