Preparing for re-entry

As of today, we in Scotland are allowed, for the first time in over two months, to meet up with people from one other household for outdoor, socially distanced exercise.

In preparation for the forthcoming hectic social whirl, Gail has been busy this week giving me a summer strip and clip. I must say that the lamb bone I received (see previous post) greatly facilitated the smooth running of this operation.

I think you'll agree I'm looking pretty spiffy.

But Gail is now a bit peeved because, despite her considerable efforts, one of our more gossipy neighbours (not the one who gave me the lamb bone) made this unsolicited comment.

"Oh I always like the way you leave Bertie's coat natural and don't have him all groomed to the nth degree".

Fortunately for good relations in our street, it was only when we moved on that Gail started muttering under her breath about "if only she knew how much time I spend keeping you looking so 'natural'!"

By the way, Mrs Neighbour, this is what a 'natural' fox terrier coat looks like...

(photo off internet)

PS I regret to report that Gail's haircut situation is becoming increasingly desperate ...

AM I NORMAL? (an elderly male grooming issue)

Friends, and terriers especially, I have a rather personal question to ask today about grooming in one's 'senior' years.

I think you already know that I am a 'home-styled' dog. One might have hoped, given how my owner Gail started hand-stripping and clipping me when I was a pup, that after nearly a decade she would have developed the skills to give me a more professionally groomed look.

No such luck there, but that's not what I want to talk about today.

You see, the fact is, as I get older, I have become more attached to my furs. Or rather, they have become more attached to me, thus the hand-stripping process is now uncomfortable. The furs also grow in greater profusion.

Now my predecessor Hamish the Westie always had a paid-for hair cut, and so Gail is really not experienced in these matters. However, she said this to me the other day, when I was attempting to bite the stripping knife, or even better Gail's hand: "But Bertie, I thought that in older males, the hair normally thinned and fell out more easily".

Not for the first time, Gail was confusing me with her own species.

So my question really is, am I normal? Are there other pups out there whose furs have become thicker, more abundant, and more 'attached' with age?

I blame Crufts

Apparently this is the 'picture to go by'. 

Please someone, tell my owner IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!

Getting spiffed up for Granny!

Perhaps some of my readers are unaware that I am on a regular basis subjected to a quite onerous grooming regime?

You might be thinking, "Oh that Bertie, he sports the natural look; none of your fancy-schmancy poodle parlour business for him".

Well, it is indeed true that the concept of a 'spa day' is alien to both human and canine occupants of this household, and that my fur-do is not the result of the professional attention.

But make no mistake, just as it can take a long time for a certain type of human (usually female) to create the impression she is wearing no make-up, and some human males go to very great pains to cultivate a not-shaved-for-four-days look, it also follows that my 'rough and ready' appearance is underpinned by considerable and ongoing efforts.

Early in my puppyhood, Gail took the decision that she was perfectly capable of teaching herself - with the help of a demo from my breeder and the occasional YouTube video - how to groom a wire-haired fox terrier.

And that has been the pattern of things for the last seven years.

So the furs on my back, neck and haunches are hand-stripped by Gail - a matter which I tolerate if given a tasty enough long-lasting chew to distract me from the mild discomfort involved. Scissors are used for my underside, face and ears, and my legs are pretty much left alone...

Thing is, because Gail generally adopts a 'little and often' approach to the hand stripping business, it tends to go unnoticed - and, we feel, unappreciated - by the world at large.

Well I would like to point out that on Friday morning I was stripped and clipped for as long as my patience and Gail's mildly arthritic thumbs would allow.

The timing might have something to do with the fact that I'm going to visit Human Granny for a few days later this week, and she always complains if she can't see my eyes.

Anyway, I like to think I was looking pretty spiffy for my Saturday afternoon walk in the woods, and I'm optimistic about catching the attention of (treat-bearing) admirers on the train to Nottingham on Thursday.

Peak tail?

Here I am, standing in the sink, my sore paws having a soothing soak in warm water. There has been happening a lot just lately.

I don't know if you remember, but this winter, I am, in the cause of science, engaged in a 'no fur stripping experiment'.

It is scheduled to come to an end in a few weeks time.

Meanwhile, Gail believes I might have reached 'peak tail'.

What do you think?
 
PS Silly Gail, who has been a a bit distracted this week, got confused in my last post about the date of my next visit to the vet. We are in fact going this evening (Thursday). Meanwhile, my paws are a teeny bit better but far from properly better. 

Blogville's Director of Scientific Affairs speaks

Bouncing Bertie Boffin here!

On this auspicious occasion of the inauguration of Blogville's new mayor Arty, and vice-mayor Mabel, I wish to say a word or three about my role as the Director of Scientific Affairs.

But first I would like to congratulate all the citizens of Blogville for once again showing their wisdom and good judgement in selecting a leadership team of whom we can all, without question, be proud.

In some sections of the media, it is held that we now live in a 'post-truth' world.

To those who might be nervous about such a prospect, I would like to reassure you that when you visit my blog, the material you read will be evidence-based, and any assertions made will have been subjected to rigorous scrutiny in accordance with the scientific method.

I regard it as my mission in Blogville to promote a rational approach to life's big questions, supported by experimental data where possible.

For example, let me tell you about an important scientific experiment being conducted chez Bertie this winter, and concerning wire-fox terrier grooming rituals.

Although us WFT's are deemed to be, if not 100% 'non-shedders', then something pretty close, there is a theory out there that if our coats are allowed to grow long, they will eventually reach a stage where they are ready to 'blow' and thus the usually somewhat uncomfortable hand stripping process becomes, so to speak, a walk in the park.

Gail has always been a tad sceptical about this theory, and up until last September I was subjected to a 'little and often' stripping regime, maintaining my furs at an average sort of length.

This winter we decided, in the interests of science you understand (and absolutely nothing to do with my human having arthritic thumbs) to let my furs go untouched all winter, and then have a 'big strip' come Spring. At which point I shall be able properly to assess the levels of comfort or discomfort experienced.

All scientific experiments require some form objective measurement criteria, and I have proposed that the ease of stripping be measured in terms of number of pigs' ears needed to keep me quiet during the stripping process.

Of course I shall be reporting in full on the results of this experiment in due course.

Meanwhile, if any Blogville citizens have burning questions about science, or, even better, ideas for experiments to help advance our understanding of issues of importance to our community, please do get in touch. I can be contacted via comments on this blog or via email at Bouncing(dot)Bertie(at)outlook(dot)com.

Finally, I would like you all to raise your glasses to the future of Blogville, and to respect for FACTS, EVIDENCE and RATIONAL THINKING!

Oh yes, and Happy New Year to all my lovely friends!


 

Grooming routine and the Pee vs N-Pee problem

Today I am going to tell you about my grooming routine.

I know some of my friends go for fancy 'spa days' to get all primped and primed, but that's not how it is for me.

Every month or so, on a Friday morning (Gail's day off) I am placed in front of the prehistoric electric fire and given a long-lasting chew. Then Gail removes my collar, fetches the stripping tool, and, starting with my neck and ears, the grooming session begins.

There is not much conversation (Gail never asks where I am going for my holidays) and so we listen to Desert Island Discs or, if the guest on that programme is being boring or irritating, a podcast from BBC Radio 4, often something to do with science. Last week I learned all about the P versus NP problem on 'In Our Time' and gosh it was very interesting. I think I understood it right. Suppose you wanted to go round the park and pee on every tree just once in the shortest possible time, then you might be surprised to learn that working out the optimum route is not in fact a Pee problem, rather it is an N-Pee problem, for which mathematicians and computer scientists have yet to find a ready solution. Although the answer, if ever found, would be easy to check. Apparently.

Do I digress?

So as I was saying, Gail starts with my top end, then strips my tail, then my back and haunches. (I may be onto my second chew by then). If I get restive, she switches her attention back to my neck and ears again, which feels quite nice - a bit like a massage I suppose.

ON ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNT will I countenance my belly, private parts, legs and face being stripped, and these are dealt with using pinking scissors, or, where more precision is required, nail scissors. Often this part is done later in the day when I am getting a bit sleepy.

There is also quite often a follow-up session the next day, to tidy the parts that Gail missed first time round. Thankfully this doesn't usually take too long.

Gail claims she rather enjoys the whole process, despite what are, frankly, sub-Crufts standard results.

(I think there is still work to do on my ears.)

A work in progress...

 What do you mean only half done?

OK so I know we're meeting my WFT pal Horatio near Ballater on Sunday but do you really think he's the type to be impressed by a smart furdo? 

And by the way, haven't you seen the weather forecast?

PS: Gail's Big Boss has not responded to my letter. Hmmm. Time to phone Ernie….

Snowy nose Sunday

Thank you so much for all your kind words and prayers for Human Granny. I wish we had better news, but she is still in hospital and poorly. I am doing my bit by making sure Gail gets walked daily, whatever the weather.

PS I am being subjected 'treated' to my first ever professional grooming session tomorrow. I am unsure of the correct etiquette in such establishments. Perhaps my friends could advise?

All Stripped, Spruced and Spiffy for Spring

Pups! Ever wanted to see your human emitting quantities of slobber worthy of our late and much missed friend Mango?

Just ask them to read out loud the title to this post, several times over, as fast as possible.

You might want to wear a raincoat.

Male grooming - rocking the natural look

One of Gail's favourite Dolly Parton quotes (and yes I too was surprised that Gail knows any Dolly Parton quotes) goes something like this. "People have no idea how much it costs to look this cheap".

A related thought flitted across my mind at some point during my second hour on the grooming table (aka the table in our lean-to sun room) last Saturday morning.

As readers of this blog will have already worked out, I prefer to rock the natural look, in keeping with my rugged, outdoorsy, he-dog image. None of the fluffed up legs and closely stripped body, face and ears, wire haired fox terrier show-dog style for me, thank you very much.

But I'll let you into a wee secret.

I really do think it takes Gail longer to keep my appearance  'natural' than were she preparing me for Crufts.

I have complained before on this blog about being subjected to a DIY grooming regime. Although I cannot pretend to be happy about it, I have reluctantly accepted that this is how it's going to be, for now at least.

It just seems really unfair that I get the blame for the stripping and clipping business taking, like forever, when it's clear that the problem lies with the amateur groomer and not the groomee, and Gail's charge that I do too much "wriggling and mouthing" is about as outrageous as, well, as one of Ms Parton's outfits.


PS for readers in the UK - please DO rush out and buy a copy of the current (i.e. October) issue of Dogs Monthly magazine - it features an article Gail wrote for them ages ago about the joys of dog blogging. I am so thrilled finally to be famous, especially as I have been promised a special treat once she receives the modest fee.

More on this grooming business

Is it right that our humans should give priority to their own grooming needs?

I'm just asking 'cos I overheard Gail the other day saying to a friend "well at least if I deal with Bertie's coat myself, then I'm no longer spending more on the dog's haircut than on my own. Which was the case when Hamish was around..."

Talk about selfish!

Now a certain person disappeared for a couple of hours yesterday morning after our walk in the park, and I couldn't help but notice when she returned that the pathetic little patch of fur on her head was even shorter than before and had changed colour. Less 'Aberdeen granite' now, and more 'ripe cornfield in the setting sun'.

Do you think she's been hand-stripped?

Oh, I am being told to stop focussing on trivia and knuckle down to work on my forthcoming quantum physics lecture (Monday 22nd November). I know some of my readers were hoping this next class in my course for budding canine scientists would also involve a field trip. Well I regret to inform you that theoretical physics is a subject best practiced indoors, with one's head stuck in a textbook full of very complicated equations.....

I'm sure you all can't wait!

Bad hair decade?

This is SO embarrassing. And you know what I heard Gail saying to a friend this week?

"Oh well, I guess I'll have got the hang of it by the time he's ten".

Just like that.  All relaxed.  As if there was no problem.

I mean. It's my fur. My coat. My beautiful fuzzy coat.

Would you want to spend the prime of your life looking like a badly shorn sheep?

Yes, the bad news is that Gail has decided that she will try to master the art of hand-stripping and grooming me, despite (I'm told) a fairly disastrous attempt one time to do the same with poor old Hamish.

Well I can tell you I am not at all impressed with the results of last weekend's efforts with the stripping knife and scissors, and I think you can see why.

The good news is that she soon gave up with Hamish and put him into the hands of a competent professional.

I live in hope....