Bertie and Addi's Postcard from Paris

Bertie and Addi land in Normandy...

Gosh you have no idea how thrilled I am that my massively gorgeous girlfriend Addi has recovered well from her recent and horrid episode with stones in her bladder, and she has agreed to join me for Blogville's forthcoming Valentine's Day event in Paris.

In fact, we have already set off.

And after yesterday's Normandy Beach landing, we are currently storming our way to the French capital...

K-oss Party: Prince William to the rescue!

Gail reminded me this week that I have not yet made arrangements to attend Murphy and Stanley's K-oss Party on 14 February.

To be honest, I have been feeling so down in the dumps with my sore paw that I have not been in the party mood.

But then I had an idea!

It occurred to me that I could be taken there by ambulance, and pick up my darling Addi on the way, if she would do me the honour of again being my partner.

How lucky that I ran into Prince William, who works as an air ambulance pilot when he is not on royal duty.

I showed him my poorly paw, put on my most mournful look, and asked if he would be prepared to transport me and Addi to the party.

And you know what? He said yes!

Gosh, I am now thinking, I wonder if, just this once, Addi might be prepared to overcome her resistance to wearing clothes, and dress up as my nurse?

A guy can always fantasize....

No costume necessary

Friends, I have a confession to make.

I guess I am not the only chap in a long term relationship to be guilty occasionally of taking his beloved partner for granted.

Can you believe it is nigh on five years since I enjoyed my first ever date with my massively gorgeous girl Addi?  Some of you may recall that the date turned out to be, quite literally, a blast....

Well since that time we have enjoyed several more adventures together and settled into a routine of mutual admiration from afar.

But then on Saturday, I saw this photo on Oreo's blog and my heart missed a beat as I remembered all over again why I first fell for Addi.

Is she not the most adorably beautiful figure of an American bulldog ever to walk this earth?

It occurs to me that every minute I spend away from my girl is a wasted minute.

Look at her magnificent jawline! Her intelligent and thoughtful expression! The set of those long and  graceful  paws! And above all, the vast and smooth expanse of pure white belly...

Oh Addi, I do hope you still feel the same about me. Us boffin types are not always the best at expressing our emotions, but I want you to know how much you have meant to me over the years.

Addi, will you do the honour of accompanying me to Dory's 13th Birthday Party and Holiday Gala?

I am confident that Dory will understand if you chose not to wear a costume for the occasion - after all, it would surely be sacrilege to cover up even one single square inch of your stupendous figure. And to be honest, I too prefer to remain 'au naturel' if given the choice.

Please Addi, say you will come, and make me again the happiest dog in Scotland  the Universe.

Taco Day: Remembering Jazzi

Today I am remembering my dear sweet friend Angel Jazzi, and celebrating her favourite day of the year.

But I think it is time my readers learned the truth about how Gail and I celebrate Taco Day in Aberdeen, so here is a step-by-step guide.

Step 1: We google 'Mexican food, Aberdeen' and come up with a short list of restaurants that is, er, very short indeed.


Step 2: Gail heads off on her bike to some new eatery in the city centre that promises to bring authentic Mexican cuisine to Aberdeen.


Step 3: She returns home with a box containing an over-priced but underwhelming combination of corn tortilla, meat, lettuce and salsa.


Step 4: She then proceeds to eat the contents of the box, reserving a MINISCULE piece of meat for Yours Truly.


Step 5: Finally, Gail assures me that Mexican food really can be great, so long as you are somewhere in or near Mexico, or a Mexican community, neither of which is the case if you live in Aberdeen.

Oh well, at least this year I was able to comfort myself with the lovely piece of green blanket from Addi's bed, which arrived in the parcel with the monkey toy I told you about in my previous post.
 

And anyway, it is impossible not to smile and feel all warm inside when remembering Jazzi.

An unexpected gift from my sweetheart!

Oh you will not believe it, but a parcel for me arrived in the post last week.

I could tell it was from someone special the minute I laid eyes - or perhaps I should say nose - on it.

Who else but my darling Addi could have thought to send me this wonderful orang utang (one of the most intelligent of primates)? Such an appropriate gift! I shall treasure it for ever and ever.

Oh Addi, my sweetheart, I know you are a long way away, but I hope you can see these messages.

If only Addi could be here with me...

PS from Gail: Thank you so much to Oreo's mom Diana, and to YAM-Aunty, for assisting in the delivery of this splendid present!

Gravity Waves inspire Valentine Verse

A love poem dedicated to my sweetheart Addi, and inspired by the recent and thrilling announcement that gravity waves have finally been detected, a century after Albert Einstein first predicted their existence:


ALL OF A FLUTTER

by Bouncing Bertie Boffin

When I think of you Addi, so large yet so sweet
My heart starts a pounding. It will not behave
In the regular way. So strong are its beats
I believe I've produced gravitational waves.

These faint fluctuations will surely distort
The space-time continuum betwixt you and me.
I know you will feel them; a lass of your sort
Has the requisite fine sensitivity. 

In my mind I imagine old Einstein is smiling
His forecasts are all now proved right.
And you dearest Addi, I find most beguiling;
So massive, so dense and so white.


PS  Gosh I am so excited about joining Addi on our unique Blogville Valentine's Day Parade float on Sunday 14th Feb.

FFHT: Bertie's Halloween Nightmare

It's Murphy and Stanley's FFHT time again. This month's special phrase is highlighted in red in the tale below.

My sweetheart Addi

Addi and the Pies

Oh I was so excited. Gail had bought me a first class plane ticket to Illinois so I could visit my sweetheart Addi for Halloween.

Before I left, I had, of course, to buy Addi a present. I thought she might like something British. And meaty. What could be better than a steak and kidney pie?

So I persuaded Gail to take me to the pie shop. In the window, they had a special seasonal display of pumpkin pies. "Why not buy one of those for Addi," asked Gail, "after all she is American and they like that sort of thing".

But I was confident in my original idea, and strode on past, making a beeline for the steak and kidney pie shelf.

Gail still seemed worried.

"I do think you're taking a risk there Bertie. In my family we like offal, but girls can be a little sniffy about kidney and suchlike".

"Not my Addi," I proclaimed as I made my pie selection.

How wrong I was.

Really, I don't want to dwell on what happened upon my arrival in Illinois.

Addi was there to greet me at the airport. I could tell by the bead of slobber dangling from her magnificent jaw that she was expecting something truly awesome. With a flourish, I handed her the box containing the steak and kidney pie.

And her reaction?

"Bertie, what on earth is this? Oh yuck it's kidney! Eeeew. I mean kidney is JUST SO DISGUSTING. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. And were you not aware that I had turned vegetarian? Don't you EVER read my peemails? The only sort of pie I like these days is pumpkin pie. If you had any imagination, that's what you would have bought me. Oh I am so disappointed, I really don't think this relationship can continue. I am going in search of a dog with better taste in pies."

And off she flounced.

Well my friends, as you can imagine, after that I never turned my back on another pumpkin pie.

Waiting for Addi

Oh my, I am all of a flutter and I don't mind admitting it.

My gorgeous girl Addi has invited me to Dory's 'Sadie Hawkins Dance' and will be arriving to pick me up any minute now.

I never can quite believe how lucky I am to have such a splendid, strapping lass like Addi for a partner, a girl who is confident enough to ignore boring and outmoded dating conventions. Between you and me, it is quite a relief not always to be the one who makes the first move. (I don't think I am compromising my masculinity in saying this, am I?)

I hope you think I am looking suitably handsome?

You know that neither Addi nor I are big into getting all dressed up, but I have had a thorough brushing and a paw wash. Also, although I am not a vain fellow, I am aware that my markings draw admiration in certain quarters and I feel it would be a shame to cover them up.

Oh oh oh, what is that I see descending through the Scottish mist?

I am barkless (almost). This is like a dream come true! And, given Addi's chosen mode of transport, I confess to being somewhat relieved I did not chose to wear a kilt…..

Click here to see what happens next.

This post is for Addi, from Bertie

Oh my goodness did you see Addi's post yesterday? I can't believe she actually invited me to Dory's Sadie Hawkins Dance.

I told her I would have to think about it. Well yes, it took all of one millionth of a nanosecond for me to decide.

I AM SO EXCITED - DO YOU THINK ADDI WILL DANCE A HIGHLAND FLING WITH ME?

Roll on October 1st!

PS Is that a tank in the tunnel…?

Goodbye TANK, hello SPACESHIP...

It is so important, isn't it, not to allow one's relationship to become stuck in a rut?

Now the more literal minded amongst you might be thinking, no danger of that with you and Addi, is there Bertie, with such a splendid tank at your disposal?

But of course I am referring to a metaphorical rut, and, well anyway, this year I decided that my darling Addi deserved something altogether more special and uplifting by way of transportation to the Heart to Heart Valentine's Dance. 

Oh I thought long and hard about the matter. Eventually, inspiration struck. What could be more uplifting than a spaceship!

Surely, to experience weightlessness is the dream of every larger lady. And as you know, Addi is a plus sized gal.

(So much gorgeousness. Aren't I the luckiest pup in the world?)

But I can tell you, it took some planning, this trip into space, to the realm of zero-gravity.

Of course, my scientific credentials helped secure me a place on NASA's elite astronaut training programme. Having passed all the required courses with flying colours, I was certified fit to command my very own spaceship.

The next challenge was to overcome Addi's natural reluctance to don the required protective wear. It was only when she saw how handsome I looked in the unisex blue spacesuit, that she was persuaded this was one outfit which could in no way be deemed 'girlie'.

Finally, on the eve of February 14, we were ready for blast off...

Click here to find out what happened next….

PS from Gail: I am indebted to Murphy and Stanley's brilliantly talented mom Carol for the wonderful photoshopped images in this post. 

Finding the ideal mate (scientifically)

Fellow pups, thank you all so much for your many and various responses to the question I posed last month, when I asked you to tell me what attracts you to a potential mate.

In good time for Valentine's Day, based on the data you kindly provided, plus my own unique in-depth analysis using specially devised scientific algorithms, I can now exclusively reveal the perfect, evidence-based formula for a successful partnership.

It seems that to appeal to the 'typical' (I refuse to say 'average') Blogville citizen, you need to be:

PLAYFUL (this is absolutely the most important thing) + WELL ACCESSORIZED (e.g. a ball, a bucket and spade, a sharp suit) + POSSESSED OF DESIRABLE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES (long legs, nice tail and sexy ears are particular priorities) + BEHAVIOURALLY COMPATIBLE (e.g. both enjoy being treated like royalty) + RESPECTFUL OF OTHERS' SENSITIVITIES (not all pups like to play rough) + A GOOD HUNTER (effective rodent killing seems to be a preferred trait, especially amongst the terriers) + ROTUND (indicating access to a great food supply - impressive logic there Stella!) + OPEN WITH YOUR EMOTIONS (not a problem with most pups, I suspect).

What else did I learn?

(1) Diva cats (yes I am thinking of you, Mayoress Emeritus Madi) are picky, picky, picky.
(2) Although many dogs are open to a romance with different breed groups, there does seem to be a tendency for terriers to favour other terriers.
(3) The delicate topic of neutering was, perhaps surprisingly, only raised once and in general one must conclude that the lack of, er, 'equipment' does not dampen romantic ambitions.
(4) It is well known that dogs as a species vary more in size than other animals. Amongst most Blogville citizens, common sense prevails and partners of approximately the same height are generally sought.
(5) Finally, full marks to Aunty Yam for pointing out that us four leggers are SO MUCH better than our humans at keeping things simple and straightforward in affairs of the heart.

I trust you found this analysis helpful. Wishing you all the best for February 14th…

My darling Addi 

Respectfully,
Bouncing Bertie Boffin
(Director of Scientific Affairs).

PS Addi, you are the only girl for me...

What will my Duthie Park pals say?

Gail, I am a bit worried about, er, about...

Yes dear little Bertie, I am worried too about Human Granny. We though we were going to lose her at the weekend, but today when I visited the Queen's Medical Centre she seemed to have rallied a bit and…

No Gail that is not what's concerning me just now. I mean I am of course very anxious for HGY, but today I wanted to discuss what will happen when we go back to Scotland…

Oh please don't worry your fuzzy little head about that. I know it's been a long time, but you know it's more important at the moment that we stay down here in Nottingham near Human Granny…

No no no Gail, you must stop interrupting and listen to me! I am worried about what my pals in Duthie Park will say about my new haircut.

Bertie, your new haircut is very smart. I think Maggie's Dog Grooming Room did an excellent job this morning, don't you? It looks neat, but natural. I'm sure your Scottish friends will be most impressed.

Well Gail, the thing is, I've never wanted to admit this before, but sometimes the rougher dogs in the park call me names and make fun of me for having an English owner. They even say I bark with an 'affected' whine. I fear that with my extended stay down here and my fancy trim they will jeer at me for being a 'soft southerner' or an 'effete English dog'.

Bertie what nonsense! I can't believe I'm hearing this. And you such a tough wee terrier. Whatever will Addi think? Time to man up! 

And remember you are shortly heading to NASA for your VERY SPECIAL training programme in preparation for Valentine's Day aren't you? (Ooops, was I supposed to keep that secret?) Anyway, I can assure you the short back and sides will be most appropriate... 

Addi and Bertie's Halloween revenge on Jake

Oh I was so thrilled to learn that my sweetheart Addi was coming over to join me on a Halloween adventure again this year.

Now I'm sure my readers will remember how I got hurt by my flat-coated retriever neighbour Jake back in September?

And I'm equally sure you will agree with me that he needed teaching a lesson, big time.

Of course, my wonderful best girl was keen to back me up.

When our humans first heard of our plan, they suggested Addi and I wear masks and frighten Jake that way. And just to humour them we agreed to try them on.



However, as some of you will already be aware, Addi and I have at our disposal a weapon far scarier than pathetic little face masks.

Yes, we have The Tank.

It was all guns blazing as we set off in search of Jake.


We had received special intelligence that Jake (the coward), on hearing Addi was in town to help me out, had barricaded himself up inside what he mistakenly imagined was a safe house.


It didn't take Addi and I long to sniff him out...




Oh and isn't Addi looking gorgeous! I think she even might have added some muscle since I last saw her. So magnificent in every respect. I could have stood there all day admiring her big boned perfection. But we had work to do.

To find out what happened next, you need to click here to go to Addi's blog.

Preparing for my next adventure with Addi

Later this week I shall be meeting my sweetheart Addi for a Halloween adventure. So of course I had to go and make sure our transport was in good nick.

 I set to work to make it all spick and span.

'Cos Addi is worth it.

What a girl!

On Westminster winner Sky (and why my heart belongs to Addi)

Several friends have brought to my attention the fact that a wire-haired fox terrier named Sky was Best in Show at the Westminster dog show (the USA's version of Crufts) this year.

We can all agree she is a spectacular looking wee lass.

Now I have been feeling a bit upset that Gail vetoed my getting involved with all the Valentine's Day business this year, with that lame "too busy at work" excuse with which many of us are so familiar.

Long time readers will know that my special sweetheart is Addi from Illinois. The most beautiful big-boned American Bulldog you ever could meet.

 Addi, I want you to know that you are still the tops.

Not for me a girl with candy floss for legs.

Can you imagine a date with Sky?

"Ew no Bertie, I cannot come with you for a rampage across a Highland bog. I need at least four more hours on the grooming table before I could possibly show my face to the world. And by the way, were you aware that the set and shape of your tail does not conform to the breed standard? Please run along and fetch my nail varnish. And I suppose you think that's funny, offering me a lift in a tank..."