Can you believe I'm nine years old today?

I'll be honest with you. Given my human's woeful record on gift giving I have learned to moderate my expectations when it comes to my birthdays. So when I woke first thing this morning I saw little point in bouncing out of bed in a frenzy of anniversary excitement.

It was a pleasant surprise then, when I came down into the kitchen and was presented with a 'special package'.

Look look, a new friend! She is a snow leopard called Sophia, and she has a very satisfactory squeaker.

Snow leopards do like having their tales tugged, don't they?

Ooooh but wait, I can smell something else too in the bottom of the bag.

OMG OMG OMG Gail has baked me some special super tasty ox liver cookies!

I think I am going to enjoy my 9th birthday.

How I would love to share these delicious liver treats with all my precious readers (except the vegetarian ones, of course). Sadly, cyberspace has not yet evolved to permit the direct distribution of offal based snacks on line, but Gail has kindly agreed to provide the recipe, which was loosely based on something she found when googling liver-dog-cookies-recipe.

 1 1/2  cups pureed cooked ox liver, 3 tbsp olive oil, 2 cups wholewheat flour, 1 cup rolled oats, 2 carrots (grated), 1/2 cup beef stock, 1 egg (beaten).

Mix together all the ingredients, knead until smooth, roll out and cut into required shapes. Gail did stars because she says I am a star, and bones because, well DUH, I'm a dog!

Bake at 180ºC for about 30 minutes. Allow to cool, and present to your beloved pup on his 9th birthday.

PS Gail says the process of puree-ing cooked ox liver is not for the faint-hearted, but she persisted, "just this once, because you're worth it Bertie".

An error in logic

Come Sunday evening, I couldn't help but notice that Gail had been home for the best part of two days, and had completely unpacked her bicycle panniers, which disgorged a number of much worn merino wool tops and sundry alarming glow-in-the-dark outer garments, plus allen keys, spare inner tubes, maps and suchlike, but not a single item that could reasonably be described as a special present for one's favourite and much missed wire-haired fox terrier.

Then I heard her saying this to a friend on the phone. "Oh but it's pointless buying presents for dogs, don't you think? I've better things to do on holiday than go shopping. And besides, I've devoted almost the entire weekend to spending quality time with Bertie. I took him for a long walk in Kirkhill Forest this afternoon, despite the sleet, and afterwards let him cuddle up on my lap, still damp from his post-walk bath, and helped him catch up with all his blog pals, including the much anticipated new PON pups Bob and Sophie."

You know I thought my owner was a highly qualified scientist, supposedly skilled in logical reasoning.

So how come she couldn't work out that buying treats for one's pet and spending quality time with him are not mutually exclusive activities.....?

Is there a worse present giver in the whole wide world?

So Gail came home loaded with gifts of Swiss chocolate.

But what about something for me?

Oh. She's telling me all about how she visited a place in Luzern called the Rosengart Museum where she saw lots of paintings by this Picasso chappie, and she thought what I would like best would be a postcard of one of them...

Woman and Dog Playing (Picasso, 1953).

Seriously!

PS There are still a couple of days left for late entries to my Olympic event, Bouncing (narrative style).

Gifts for humans - a case history

Readers, before I go any further, I want you to reassure you I am aware, as a proper grown-up dog, that not all presents are meant for me. I do understand it is appropriate that Gail too should receive gifts from time to time.

But you will, I think, allow me to express an opinion about what is or is not a suitable gift for a human, and this is the subject of today's blog post.

I shall put forward my argument in the form of a case study. It concerns two presents Gail has been given by friends who have several times enjoyed the use of our Torridon cottage. To save embarrassment, I shall use only the initials of these friends.

The first present, from 'F' and 'A', was a hand-built sea kayak. This is an example of an unsuitable gift. Long time readers of this blog may remember me expressing my concerns about Gail's new kayak last October. Well. Now that the Scottish so-called 'summer' is upon us Gail has again been venturing out in this flimsiest of craft. Lest you think me selfish for disapproving of a toy that results in me being left alone onshore, let me point out it is merely Gail's welfare I have at heart. Do you know how windy it can be, even in June, how high the waves, even in a supposedly sheltered sea loch, how strong the tidal currents, and how cold the water, despite the purportedly warming effect of the Gulf Stream. And how low in the water a sea kayak is, and how vulnerable to being up-ended by a basking shark?

And how lonely I would be if Gail were 'lost at sea'.....

By contrast, the second present, a redwood garden bench from 'M' and 'J', is, I believe, an excellent example of an entirely suitable gift. It is substantial, aesthetically pleasing and most importantly designed to stay on solid ground - in this case in the front garden of the cottage - and be sat on. It encourages the humans to relax outside, safely enjoying the view of Loch Torridon without any danger of drowning. They may be tempted to consume their meals while sitting on the bench, and as we know, when humans dine outdoors, especially when they have already enjoyed a glass of wine or two prior to eating, they become a little more, shall we say casual, about their manners, with a subsequent increase in foraging opportunities for the alert canine.

A perfect gift indeed.

So readers, in particular those of you contemplating the purchase of a present for a human friend or relative, I hope you will stop a while and ponder the lessons from today's little case study, and make sure you chose wisely and well.

PS Watch out for the invitation to take part in my unique Blogville Olympics Bouncing Event, which I'll be posting this coming weekend!

I am overwhelmed! Thank you friends!

Now I shall have to tread a little carefully around today's subject matter. (Why is Gail giving me that raised eyebrows look and muttering "Tread carefully? That'll be a first then!" She's not suggesting I'm clumsy is she?)

The truth is, I think that she is just a teeny weeny little bit jealous. So I shall try to be sensitive.

You see, lots of parcels have been arriving at this house these past few weeks, and all of them have been addressed to 'BERTIE'. Not 'GAIL'. I've tried saying nicely to Gail that I'm sure that someone will give her a present one day. And even that I'm prepared to share, up to a point.

For example, we can both play tug-of-war with the banana that Martha and Bailey Basset sent. She can hold one end, and I can grab at the dangly bits. We can play this for hours. How did the Bonnie Basset Babes know that dangly bits are absolutely my favourite thing? And Gail, I won't object if you drink out of the clever travel bowl (aren't my Aunties thoughtful). Or sit with me on the cozy blanket. Even though both of them do have MY name on them.

All the way from Colorado, my special friends Jake and Fergi sent a lovely little birdie, which is I think a little too small to share.

They also baked me these yummy peanut butter flavoured treats. Some of which even arrived intact!

The colourful blanket these Two Special Wires also sent is just perfect for wrapping around my hot water bottle, so perhaps I'll be keeping that to myself for now. And no I'm not a wimp, it's freezing cold here in Scotland you know.

Now it is true that I still need a little help with the computer, so the mouse mat that Eric Square Dog sent can be used by both of us. Even though it is clearly designed with me in mind. I wonder if I should allow Gail to use it if she is doing stuff on the computer other than my blog? (Shocking, I know, but she does just sometimes use it for other, so-called, 'work').

Such pretty cards I've received too. I can't believe now that I was ever as tiny as in Asta's greeting! And Gail, who is trying to educate me in Science, insists that it is not strictly true that I arrived by stork.

So thank you all you lovely people out there. Not just the ones who sent gifts, but all of you who have been so welcoming and friendly. And I also want to thank Hamish, who I never met, but I know that most of you were his friends first, and I am just so lucky to inherit some of the love you all shared with him.

PS I know some of you said don't post about the presents but it just seemed so impolite, not to!