A cautionary tale for humans

When you have a load of snow and then it all melts quite suddenly, your human might be tempted to venture out on her bicycle and leave you home alone.

In so many ways, this is never ever a good idea.

Much more sensible to leave the bike in the shed and exercise your dog!

Weird exercises

Early in the morning, a new group of humans, in addition to the usual dog walkers, runners and commuting cyclists, are appearing in park and down by the river. Gail says they are 'gym refugees'. They can easily be identified by their tendency to perform weird exercises, quite unselfconsciously.

I'm pleased to report that they, along with all the other humans in the park, are fully respecting the social distancing rules. To be honest, I am more than happy to steer clear of these newcomers - who knows whether they really will manage to maintain their balance and not fall over on top of you while leaping around and making strange arm movements......

Dexterity and balance - the 'WOBBLIE'

Fellow pups! Do you ever feel that your human might benefit from improved dexterity, flexibility and balance?

Perhaps they are 'not as young as they used to be'. Or maybe they have been spending your treat money on expensive Pilates or yoga classes.

Now that the warmer weather is with us, let me recommend my special training programme, the 'WOBBLIE'  (Working Out with Bouncing Bertie while Licking Ice-cream Exercise).

Your human will love the unique combination of keep-fit and indulgence. This is how it works.

It is a beautiful day and time for your afternoon walk. You quickly deduce, from the direction of travel and the clement weather conditions, that your human is heading for the ice-cream shop, about a mile away. Normally you would perform your afternoon 'business' pretty soon once you are the obligatory hundred yards away from your home, but today you sense an opportunity to give your human an extra work-out. So  you thoughtfully hold it all in until you have reached the ice-cream place and she has been inside and purchased a cone generously filled with her favourite flavour (coffee or vanilla, since you asked).

You can picture the scene. The sun is shining, your human is walking along, your lead in one hand, ice-cream cone in the other, happily licking away.

Now is the time to 'evacuate'. What better test of dexterity and balance than to have her place your lead in the ice-cream hand, reach for the poop bag with the other, bend over and pick up the poop, holding the ice-cream as far away as possible?  In Level 2 of the exercise you might want to jerk the lead a little at this point. Level 3 requires her to be wearing a white top.

Of course she will somehow need to tie the filled poop bag, one-handed, too.

One must recognise that it might take some practice before your human can complete the exercise without either falling over, letting go your lead or losing a single morsel of the precious ice-cream.

But I am sure your human will be grateful for your contribution to her well being and will reward you with at least the pointy tip of the ice-cream cone.

Level 4 involves, of course, your human simultaneously taking a selfie while conducting the pick up operation. Gail has not yet reached this stage. (In fact when she heard about it she asked, in a rather exasperated tone, did I expect her to grow a third arm or what?)

So anyway, here is a nice photo of cherry blossom, taken later on the walk. Look at that blue sky!

P.S. Do let me know how your human gets on with the WOBBLIE.

A useful breathing exercise for humans

Fellow pups, is your human in need of a boost?

I think I can help.

You know all about how controlling your breathing is supposed to calm you down, or energise you, or make you altogether more brilliant, or whatever.

May I propose a useful four step breathing exercise for your human? One that will fit in nicely with your daily walks and make them a more pleasant experience for both of you.

It is important that the dog and human actions are synchronised as described below:

Step 1
Dog walks down the street and then stops, preferably downwind of human, and arches his back.
Human breathes in deeply while rustling around in pocket for a wee plastic bag (preferably recyclable).

Step 2
Dog performs his 'business' and poops out one or two neat little brown packages onto the pavement or grass.
Human holds breath.

Step 3
Dog walks on just a couple of steps.
Human exhales slowly and in controlled fashion while placing poop in the wee bag, expelling surplus air from the bag and tying a neat knot to seal.

Step 4
Dog and human walk briskly to the nearest dog waste bin.
Human breathes steadily and places sealed bag in bin.

I have to tell you I had a bit of difficulty persuading Gail that this post needed illustrating. You all found the pictures helpful, didn't you? And really, a reasonably self-confident person like Gail shouldn't be worrying what the neighbours will think about what she does with her camera, should she?

Choosing the right breed of human

Fellow pups, I have been giving much thought this week to an oft overlooked matter, namely the importance of selecting the right breed of owner, with suitable characteristics compatible with one's own lifestyle.

You see, I have come to realise that in the case of my human, it is very important for her mental stability and overall well-being that she is given energetic exercise at least once a day.

As you know I am normally very diligent in carrying out this duty, being a lively little chap myself (yes Gail, 'lively' is the word I meant to use, not 'hyper'). But this week, on top of all else that is going on here in Nottingham, I have had a very sore paw, and although I try not to make a fuss it really has not been possible to give Gail the exercise she needs and as a result she has become fractious.

Worse, last night, Gail managed to open the front door when she was not attached to my lead, and took herself for a walk ON HER OWN. Well of course I was frantic with worry, especially as I was unable to go and search for her. I am so relieved that she returned safe and sound an hour later, just before it got properly dark.

I might also note that Gail needs feeding at regular intervals, as if the blood sugar drops below a critical level, then her normally sunny disposition clouds over faster than you can say emergency Mars Bar.

It is clear from my observations over the past three years that this requirement for lots of exercise and frequent feeding is a breed trait common to all Gail's family.

Perfect for me of course.

I wonder what kind of humans my canine friends live with, and would be most interested to know, for scientific purposes you understand, if they too have noticed any unique and interesting breed characteristics?


PS from Gail: Bertie has picked up a paw infection, presumably through a cut in in his right rear pad, and it is news to me that he has 'not been making a fuss'....After a visit yesterday to a local vet, he is being treated with antibiotics.