Thank You Letter to Tootsie

Aberdeen, Scotland.
27th October 2016.

Dearest Doggy Godmother,

I would like to thank you and your lovely Pawrents very much for your inviting me stay with you in Switzerland, and for being such wonderful hosts. It was also very kind of you to allow Gail to come with me – I do understand that humans can be quite high maintenance guests, so your tolerance was much appreciated.

Oh and Tootsie, I laugh about it now but can you believe that on the first morning of my visit I really did think you were stealing my food! Of course, I now realise this accusation was most unjust. Tootsie, it was SO kind of you to volunteer to taste my kibble – I mean, who knows what they might be putting into these foreign foodstuffs?   Although, may I respectfully suggest that in future, it is not necessary to consume the entire bowlful (in addition to your own breakfast).

You live in such a beautiful country, and I so enjoyed our walks together. The chestnut woods on the hill near your home in Caslano are just gorgeous, despite the going being a little prickly underfoot at this time of year, and I do appreciate your diligence in performing your godmotherly role by taking me to the wee chapel near the hilltop. Truly, the spiritual side of my development has not to date received the nourishment it deserves.

One thing, just between you and me – and please don’t let Gail see this - I must tell you I felt so comfortable and safe staying with you and Renee and Daniele that I barely even noticed it when Gail abandoned me to visit her elderly family friend Vera in Luzern for a couple of days. Of course, Gail came back babbling on about how happy she was to have seen Vera again, and how she briefly thought she'd met one of Blogville's Doodz on Luzern's famous Kapellbrücke, but I honestly think I was better off relaxing in the apartment with you, enjoying gentle strolls down to the lake and lots of kisses and cuddles.

Yes, all in all, it was a perfect holiday in every respect! I do hope that one day you can come to visit me in Scotland and allow me to return the hospitality.

Toodle pip!
Your loving Doggy Godson Bertie.

A question about hiking in Switzerland

OK, so these footpath signs that tell you how long it takes to walk from A to B...

How much sniffing time do they factor in?

Finally made it!

Gosh that was a long train journey, but we finally arrived in Lugano, Switzerland after dark last night. I was thrilled to be greeted by my Doggy Godmother Tootsie (whom some of my readers know as Bicontinental Dachshund*). Isn't she adorable?

I was super well behaved  (Gail says tired) all the way.

Many of Gail's friends ask her what happens on the train if I need a 'rest break'. Well I would like to point out, if this isn't getting too personal, that I had no problem on the six hour leg of the journey from Cologne to Zurich, but I did need to accompany Gail twice to the train's rather space-limited WC, and so it seems to me that us pups do rather better in this department and any questions by humans on the topic are a reflection of their species' own , er, weakness...

Bertie on  a rest break  in Cologne

*Still haven't fully mastered links using the smartphone, but bicontinental-dachshund.blogspot.com is the blog you need.

All packed and ready for off

I've noticed how humans always seem to be super busy in the run up to going on holiday, so I decided to help out by writing my own packing list.

This is what I came up with:

BERTIE'S LIST
pet passport
train and ferry tickets 
insurance documents
food and water bowls
kibble
treats for the train
treats for the ferry
treats for the hotel
treats for when staying with friends
extra treats just in case
Euros and Swiss Francs to resupply with treats
water bottle
short lead for town walks
stretchy lead for country/mountain walks
'Newcastle Station' harness...
snazzy tartan scarf
Fair Isle sweater for smart wear
waterproof jacket
blanket
towel
muzzle
hairbrush and comb
toothbrush
toothpaste (liver flavoured)
present for my Doggy Godmother

I think that will leave plenty of room in Gail's backpack for travel documents, a change of clothes and her own toothbrush (there are some things one doesn't like to share).

So now that's all sorted I'm ready to go.

For some reason Gail has asked me to ask readers to wish her luck with this trip to Switzerland...

We may try to post a photo or two when travelling, but normal blog service is now suspended for the next three weeks.

A Boffin's Dreams of Switzerland

I want to scale the Matterhorn, glimpse snowy Alpine peaks at dawn,
I’d also love to see the bears of Bern,
But as a Bouncing Boffin, what I’d find most simply toppin’
Would be visiting the physicists at CERN.

Yes for sure it would be fun, to climb the Rigi like Mark Twain,
I might even reach the summit in one day.
But it’s the Large Hadron Collider that I’d like to get inside o’
To view sub-atomic particles at play.

Some might make heavy handed jokes, deriding all those cuckoo clocks,
As the sole result of centuries of peace,
But for me it’s the Higgs Boson that makes Switzerland the Chosen
Land for scientific-minded WFT’s.

Yodelling? Fondue? More training for Switzerland

You know it's all very well Gail taking me for walks in the hills and calling it "training for the Alps". (In in truth, it's been jolly good fun).

But I fear she has been neglecting other aspects of Swiss life for which I need some practice too.

I did myself take the initiative last night and attempt to bend my vocal chords to a yodelling sound. For some reason Gail did not approve at all and instructed me to be quiet. But never mind, I am thinking there will be plenty of opportunity to rehearse on the long train journey across Holland and Germany, right...?

In one of our kitchen cupboards, gathering dust from the 1970's, I found something I believe is called a 'fondue set'. You can buy Gruyere and Emmental in the shops here in the UK, and I am still hoping to persuade Gail to get going with the methylated spirits and let me sample this delectable sounding traditional Swiss speciality before we depart. After all, I'm thinking that the art of consuming melted cheese without getting one's beard all gunked up might take some mastering.

But Gail seems reluctant, reminding me that my first ever encounter with a Swiss-made object, the 'water soluble pencil set' pictured below, had, quite literally, an unfortunate outcome (as described in 'The Blue Poo Incident')...

Heidi or Ursli?

With regret, I am coming to the conclusion that our imminent trip to Switzerland is making Gail go a bit funny in the head. Over-excitement can do that to a grown woman, I believe.

Apparently, at six and a half years old, I am now exactly the same age as Gail was when she first went to stay with her godmother Doris in Luzern.

On that rather flimsy pretext, Gail decided last night to read to me from the books Doris gave her on that first Swiss holiday.

You have to humour them sometimes, don't you? 

We started with 'Heidi'.

Well, this Heidi, also six years old, is a cute little Swiss girl, and she prefers mountains to towns, which I guess is something in her favour. But really. Heidi?! It's a girl's book, isn't it? What else do you have there Gail? 

So Gail sighs, mutters something about insidious gender stereotyping even influencing dogs' taste in classic children's literature, and reaches for 'A Bell for Ursli'.

Now that's more like it!

This Ursli fellow has some excellent adventures, of the sort I am hoping for in October. Maybe I shall get a chance to cross a perilous bridge?

Or run up and down a snowy mountain and dive through the window of an Alpine chalet?

Well I am beginning to understand why Gail is getting so excited.

Is it really still three weeks before we leave?

Plans afoot?

Hmmm. I wonder why Gail has been showing me Human Granny's photos from trips to Switzerland in the 1940s and 50s?

Oh yes, and she has lately been spending a lot of her spare time poring over train timetables too. And last night I spotted her googling "dogs + ferry routes" while tunelessly humming 'Climb Every Mountain' and 'Edelweiss'…

Might I soon be needing this?

Godparent decision (involving an element of emotional blackmail)

Oh my gosh I had NO IDEA that I had so many lovely friends out there who would volunteer to be my godparent.

So first I want to thank all of you who took the time to apply for the post. Gail and I feel quite overwhelmed. I mean some of you wrote whole essays.

But what a problem this created. How on earth was I to choose?

Now I have to tell you, I was all for accepting each and every one of the applicants, they all sounded so wonderful. I mean, if wee Prince George can have seven godparents, then fifteen or so is surely not too many for a bouncy wire-haired fox terrier?

But Gail said no, that would be greedy. She also vetoed my suggestion that word count should be the deciding factor in the application (sorry Aunty Yam), and likewise number or variety of treats promised.

Well we were getting nowhere, so I suggested a walk, the best way to clear one's head when difficult decisions are to be made.

As we sauntered along by the River Dee, casting the occasional anxious glance at the clouds gathering to the west, Gail was bending my ear (although it is flappy enough already).

"Bertie, I've been thinking carefully about this doggodparent business. I know you have several lovely American friends who applied for the post, but realistically, I don't think I'll be taking you on a transatlantic flight any time soon. As much as I would love to have an excuse to visit Colorado, or Virginia, or Oklahoma, or North Carolina, or Massachusetts, Minnesota, or Illinois, or Florida, I think it would be better to select someone on this side of the Pond. Don't you agree?"

I could tell she had more to say.

"Now Bertie I'm going to be serious for a minute. You know that my Swiss godmother Doris died back in the summer? Well she had reached the age of ninety and had been very ill, so it wasn't unexpected but I was sad all the same. You see, Doris was all that one could ever hope for in a godmother and much more. I'll never forget when I went to visit her at a bad time in my life and she made me feel loved and valued again. To me, the words 'Swiss' and 'godmother' go together like, well, like 'Bertie' and 'bouncing'. So, wouldn't it be nice for you too to have godparents who lived in Switzerland? And I do think that your (bi)continental dachshund friend Tootsie put forward a particularly compelling case in her application, don't you? And did you see the photos of the Alpine hike she described earlier this week? Awesome, wasn't it? Oh yes, I'm sure Tootsie could be such a good influence in your life. She is known as a savvy sausage after all.  So can we invite her and her Mom and Dachshund Daddy  to be your godparents? Please Bertie. Please. I'm sure we can overlook those moths in DD's wallet..."

And then Gail tried to put on a pleading expression, looked into my eyes and even, if I am not mistaken, tilted her head to one side for extra effect.

Well how could I say no?

Oh I do hope Tootsie and her family will accept.

It gets even worse...

Earlier this week I told you about the cr*p so-called ‘present’ Gail brought me back from Switzerland (cheers Deccy for suggesting that most appropriate adjective….)

Let me tell you, that was just the start of it.

You know, I could just about accept the fact that my human was going off to visit her beloved but now elderly and wheelchair-bound godmother Doris in Luzern and that as she had to fly it would all be a bit complicated to take me along etc. I also understand that animals might not be welcome in the care home where Doris now stays.

Fine.

So why then does the first holiday photo I’m shown feature Gail out for a walk, clearly in ENGLAND[1] and being unfaithful to me with another dog? And no Gail I am not interested at all in hearing about Billy's immaculate behaviour on this walk up St Martha's Hill, what a perfect chap he is, what big, expressive eyes he has and what a calm demeanour, why can't I be more like that and so on and so on ad nauseam. Grrrrh!

And why does the next photo, taken by Gail, show her friends Kathryn and Steve half way up a mountain on a long and clearly fox terrier friendly walk in the FRENCH Alps[2]?

Oh no! Here are some of Gail's photos from what she claims is one of her top five walks in the whole world, in Luzern along the lake between the Kapellbrücke and the Verkehrshaus der Schweiz.

How can a walk without me even be in her top five hundred?

Then I learn that in Doris’s care home some of the residents are allowed to keep their dogs with them – Gail saw a Yorkie and a Lhasa Apso when she was visiting[3]. So most certainly I could have come along after all.

And finally. I have it on good authority that Luzern is a popular tourist destination crammed full of shops selling fluffy and eminently de-stuffable St Bernards, cows wearing bells and whistling marmots, all excellent toys available at reasonable prices[4].

I could even have fun silencing a cuckoo clock, if it came to that.

Footnotes by Gail

[1] Surrey, actually. The flight to Switzerland was cancelled due to thunderstorms in the Gatwick area, so my departure was delayed for a day.

[2] Before visiting my godmother I stayed for a couple of days with my Surrey-based friends in their Alpine chalet in Samoëns, France.

[3] This really is true!

[4] I’m afraid Bertie is ill-informed about the Sterling/Swiss Franc exchange rate.