(STILL IN NOTTINGHAM)
Gail, please take a break from packing all those boxes, I want to ask you a question.
What is it, dear little Bertie?
Well, I can't help but notice that no-one gave you a calendar for Christmas this year, did they?
That's true I'm afraid. I'll have to buy one myself.
No no Gail. please don't do that. I am going to order one for you, although as it comes from Russia it may not be here for a few days yet.
Russia? Bertie, I am intrigued.
Yes, it is a Vladimir Putin calendar. I read all about it on the BBC website. Mr Putin is a nice man, and very good looking, don't you agree?
Er, I don't quite know what to say Bertie. What on earth makes you think that Mr Putin is a 'nice man' and that I might want his calendar?
Well look at his picture for November. Isn't it cute? And you know what the caption says? It says - I am translating from the Russian here - "Dogs and I have very warm feelings for each other".
Well Bertie, frankly, I am rendered speechless...
Oh and look, Here is President Putin in June, with a flower in his hand. No it is not a weed, don't be silly Gail. And he is saying "I like all Russian women. I think Russian women are the most talented and most beautiful." Really, he does seem a most sensitive chap.
Gail, I see you are still at a loss for words. Well how about the July picture? I suppose it is hot in Russia in July, as he has gone fishing without a shirt. You wouldn't do that in Scotland would you?
Gail, what is that you are saying about him being "better endowed" than you are?? Isn't that a good thing? Oh. Not in a man? There is no accounting for tastes I guess.
Well on that, at least, we can agree. Bertie, I just can't wait for the calendar to arrive...