I know some of my friends go for fancy 'spa days' to get all primped and primed, but that's not how it is for me.
Every month or so, on a Friday morning (Gail's day off) I am placed in front of the prehistoric electric fire and given a long-lasting chew. Then Gail removes my collar, fetches the stripping tool, and, starting with my neck and ears, the grooming session begins.
There is not much conversation (Gail never asks where I am going for my holidays) and so we listen to Desert Island Discs or, if the guest on that programme is being boring or irritating, a podcast from BBC Radio 4, often something to do with science. Last week I learned all about the P versus NP problem on 'In Our Time' and gosh it was very interesting. I think I understood it right. Suppose you wanted to go round the park and pee on every tree just once in the shortest possible time, then you might be surprised to learn that working out the optimum route is not in fact a Pee problem, rather it is an N-Pee problem, for which mathematicians and computer scientists have yet to find a ready solution. Although the answer, if ever found, would be easy to check. Apparently.
Do I digress?
So as I was saying, Gail starts with my top end, then strips my tail, then my back and haunches. (I may be onto my second chew by then). If I get restive, she switches her attention back to my neck and ears again, which feels quite nice - a bit like a massage I suppose.
ON ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNT will I countenance my belly, private parts, legs and face being stripped, and these are dealt with using pinking scissors, or, where more precision is required, nail scissors. Often this part is done later in the day when I am getting a bit sleepy.
There is also quite often a follow-up session the next day, to tidy the parts that Gail missed first time round. Thankfully this doesn't usually take too long.