Monday, 21 September 2015

Prison diaries

Just before dropping me off again at 'camp' the other day, Gail waved a book by Jeffrey Archer in my face in a mildly threatening manner and addressed me thus:

"So Bertie, rather than whinging endlessly about this place you insist on calling prison, why not make good use of your stint 'inside' and write a journal, like other high profile convicts have done? For sure we'll have a blockbuster on our hands before you can say disgraced Tory politician".

Having taken a wee peek at Mr Archer's bestselling effort, I concluded that book buyers can't be such a discriminating bunch as sometimes made out, and I might as well follow Gail's suggestion.

Here goes:

Day 1: Was taken to my cell by a prison officer called Emma, who bolted the door and disappeared. Dogs in neighbouring cells were barking so I decided to join in (although I am usually a quiet chappie).  Was taken out for a brief walk and given some food. Barked some more. Fell asleep eventually.

Day 2: Joined in the canine dawn chorus. Went for an early morning walk with Prison Governor Wendy and fellow inmate Rory the German shepherd. Wendy, a former Scottish track cycling champion, asked me if Gail was away on another bicycle tour. As if I was actually interested in this topic! I growled at Rory then ignored him. Back to cell.  Ate breakfast. Then entered into an 'I'm having the last yap' contest with Lhasa Apso neighbour Freda. I won. Later, am taken out for another walk. Barked some more. Slept some more...

Oh dear.

I like to think I have mastered a range of writing styles, but even I - not always the most self-critical of creatures - can see that this diary is turning into a less than riveting read. Is prison life really so dull? Where are the inmates whose backstories involve gut-churningly gory crimes? How can I provide fascinating insights into the prison's social hierarchy when all I see around me is a bunch of common or garden dogs who bark a lot? As an innocent pup with scientific bent, I am scarcely a candidate for some sensational, life-transforming religious conversion while inside. It's hard even to write about how bad the food is when I'm getting my normal diet, albeit with a slightly restricted supply of gravy bones.

You know what? That Jeffrey Archer fellow had it easy.


  1. Well, we did find all the barking interesting. Our prison is way away from anything, so we're allowed to bark all day! No one to say STOP, Inside! That's the good thing about prison in our opinion.

  2. A restricted supply of gravy bones?? Don't dey have any rules against cruel and unusual punishment over there???

  3. Let's face it Bertie, no one makes breakfast like one's muzzer

  4. MOL MOL MOL Bertie...bless your little WFT self.....bread and water to eat, and cheeky inmates. You know what maybe if you planned a prison break during your next walk or play a game of find the Bertie
    that will make for some nail biting reading
    Hugs madi your bfff
    PS thank goodness Ms. Kathy comes here when my peeps leave. I don't think I'd like prison.

  5. Your journal is captivating
    Lily & Edward

  6. I think you need to recruit some of your fellow prisoners into an escape plot. THAT would be a page-turner!

  7. Hari OM
    Good grief Bertie lad, Gail chose entirely the wrong example for your tale of incarceration... Nelson Mandela would have been far and away the superior option.... Madi is onto something though... Hugs and wags, YAM-aunty xxx

    1. Now this Mandela chappie. Tell me, did he sell as many as Jeffrey Archer? Come to think of it, I do now recall that Gail has a well-thumbed book of his, called something like, "The Long Walk to Freedom", on her bookshelf...

  8. Poor Bertie!!! When mum is away for the night, she takes me over to Uncle Vic's where I get spoiled rotten.!!! Mum only puts 2 scoops of kibble in my bowl, then leaves it empty till my evening meal!!! Coco's dad leaves food in the bowl ALL the time!!!

    1. Er, any chance you could pass on this Uncle Vic's address?

  9. Bertie - we are surprised that wonderful mind isn't put to better use - like planning an escape :)

  10. Bertie you need someone to sneak contraband into prison. Then you could pass it around, get everyone on your side and have a jolly old time behind the walls.
    Now there would be a book!
    Thanks for being a friend
    Sweet William The Scot

  11. We can't believe you are doing time in the big house! You are too much of a gentle soul to be doing time!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  12. We agree that Archer had it easy!

    We thought you took a wee pee on the book, but then we realized you took a peek. :)

    We are so behind on everything; Mom cannot keep up. But Grandpa is here, so I'm in heaven, dear doggy godson.

    Huge love,

    1. You know, we typed 'week pee' first time around, entirely accidentally!

  13. Oh Bertie, we also really enjoyed the barking portion of your story....maybe if you could get "into the minds" of the barkers you could learn their stories???
    Dory, Jakey, Arty & Bilbo

  14. Dat stinks dat you is in da hoosegow, Bertie... and reduced to singin' fur yer supper....

    Dey's cut back on yer treats?? Why, dat should fall under cruel & unusual punishment!!

    My advice to liven up da story is to "wing it"-- or make the backstories up... like dat Rory could be an ex-police dog dat "knew too much" so dey sent him to da hoosegow so he wouldn't bark about police corrupshun!!

    Total bs when reality fails works fur me!

  15. Oh my poor Bertie.
    Maybe I could sneak by your window and we can have moonlight chats!!!


  16. Oh dear Bertie we can't believe you went to prison! You are not a naughty boy so something is very wrong here.