Gail, I haven't talked to anyone about this 'cos it's a bit of a sensitive issue, but now that we're alone together, back in Aberdeen, can I have a word with you about, you know, er, girls?
Well actually, one girl in particular, I mean Izzy.
Izzy the poodle, who lives with my brother and his family? It was fun meeting them all on Boxing Day wasn't it?
Oh isn't Izzy just the most adorable creature? So tall and long-limbed, graceful, soft and gentle....
Well yes Bertie I think she's nice too (although perhaps a surprising choice of dog for a family where the menfolk had previously only been interested in playing rugby...)
I can't see anything surprising at all! She has such a beautiful, shapely, rear end, it smells lovely, and that pom-pom on her tail is most impressive isn't it?
Er, yes, Bertie, if you say so...
But Gail, I don't think Izzy even noticed me. And I'm wondering, could you perhaps fashion my tail into a pom-pom like Izzy's, I think that might catch her eye?
GAIL, DON'T LAUGH, I'M NOT BEING RIDICULOUS! OH IT'S SO NOT FAIR. NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. AND DON'T JUST SAY I'M AT A DIFFICULT AGE!
Now Bertie, you come here and have a cuddle. That's better. Bertie, I am truly delighted that you like Izzy. I'm afraid that Hamish didn't have much time for her at all. But it might be a while before we see her again as she lives in Sheffield, nearly 400 miles away. So I'll tell you what, how about we go down for a run on the city beach? Exercise and bracing North Sea air is what you need just now, my dear laddie!
The beach? OK. Come on then! What are we waiting for?
Well Gail, on reflection, maybe the pom-pom wasn't such a great idea after all. I guess other dogs in Aberdeen might have laughed at me too ....